#this has been in my drafts waiting for me to post since like early november

[boom-fanfic-a-latta]

The Reaper's Twin

The Reaper did not always have a twin; in fact, she was without one for the longest time. But, on the day she first met Judgement and was claimed as her daughter, her shadow fell upon a world in a dark mirror and took physical form. This reflection was her opposite in every way--where The Reaper showed kindness, her twin cruelty; where she was as fire, so was her twin as ice.

The Reaper had no knowledge of her twin's newfound existence, and so when one day, her reflection spoke and acted of its own accord, she could only find herself agape with shock. The memory of the dark mirror she had once entered did not even begin to cross her mind, and so, she approached in curiosity. She gave no notice to the strange blue scar running behind the left eye of the figure in the mirror.

The Reaper was thus unprepared as this strange doppelganger reached outside the confines of the glass, seizing her by the wrist and drawing her through into the reflection. The next she knew, she was bound, gazing at the true form of her captor--in appearance, now revealed to be a dark copy of herself.

The Reaper had fallen snare to a ruse, this other her chided with a sneer, and was not left to her mercy--or rather, lack thereof. But though one would assume the shadow meant the threat of death by these words, you would be mistaken--as The Reaper's twin knew her original was beyond her ability to destroy. Instead, she explained with a cruel smile, she had decided in all her cunning to take control of The Reaper, so as to claim her power under her own rule.

The Reaper refused this claim, swearing that her mother, Judgement, would still be want to cast vengeance upon the twin for this offence. But she only laughed at this, slyly explaining that she had considered this as well--but it would not be an issue, for when Judgement was to come, she would be forced to face her own daughter in battle. And with that, the twin cast her spell over The Reaper, ensnaring both her mind and body with a deep-rooted frost.

But soon, as The Reaper had sworn, Judgement arrived in fury, armed with gavel and sword as she sought the one who had stolen away her daughter. When she came across the twin, she demanded the safe return of The Reaper, or else she would bring down her wrath. In response, the twin obliged, and with a grin revealed The Reaper was now under her command.

A fierce battle ensued between Judgement and her corrupted child, but in the end, the former was victorious and cast off the spell the later had been placed under. The twin was angered by this, her plan having been undone, and so she in vain spat curses at Judgement. Judgement, in return, replied with this: that The Reaper should be left in charge of her twin's punishment, free to do whatever she deemed fit. The Reaper, wishing to repay what had been done to her with a similar irony, declared that she would seal the twin within a broken mirror, always to be kept on her person. So as her twin had sought dominion over her, would she be confined to a similar state of helplessness.

The twin, once she was such confined, responded by swearing with a cold fury that she would not take this peacefully--instead, assuring that she would find a way to hone her craft with mirror and ice, to be able to reach out and pose as the reflections of others, as she had posed as that of her origin prior. There, she vowed, she would do all that was in her power to turn others to do her own will, contrary to that of The Reaper.

So be wary, all, of your reflection, if it ever may have a blue crack behind its eye--for it may be that The Reaper's twin has come, in attempt to trick you into fulfilling her own desires. And perchance, if one is unlucky, try and use you to escape her fate.

[apprenticestanheight]

Work Stress- Adam Stanheight x gn! reader

ALLLLLLL RIGHT, welcome to the monthly "my mental health is shit" fic that I bestow upon the people whenever my mental health isn't as great as it could be, which--in fairness--is nearly all the fucking time.

Two of these might be coming out this month, though! I have not had the greatest streak of days without anxiety lately and I write fics whenever it gets really bad. The day I finished this one, I was like "I am going to write something. for chainshipping (again)" so a chainshipping fic will probably be out by the end of the week

On some other notes, A: while it's not explicitly stated, the reader is what's traditionally considered midsized as that's what I am and I wanted to write a fic with my body type. As per usual with me, the reader is generally gn but as I know the anatomy best, they're AFAB. B: requests are starting to get looked at! I have one waiting to be finished, edited and posted sitting in my drafts but otherwise will have probably looked through and decided which requests I will do vs which ones I won't by the time this has been posted. Things will probably start coming out at the end of this week and keep coming out into next.

Fic type- this jumps into a lot of differing areas, but the main genres are quite possibly the oddest combination I've ever written--smut and angst.

Warnings- as this fic contains smut it caters to an audience of people 18+, so minors, DO NOT INTERACT. There is A LOT here--p in v, oral (both recieve, even if on Adams end the oral is only mentioned), doggy style, fingering, petplay kind of (I was trying to think of a gender neutral petname and puppy was the only thing my brain could think of at first. It's literally just used as a petname and gets overshadowed by 'baby' after a point bc I remembered that that word existed--I wrote a lot of this while tired, pls take some of the stuff in it with a grain of salt), as for sfw warnings: there's a mention of loss of appetite in relation to extreme stress

It's no secret to Adam that you've been having a very, very rough year.

You've been living together since just a couple weeks after he'd escaped the trap--he was taken from his apartment and found it too anxiety inducing to stay there so you let him move into yours.

You'd been dating since you were twenty one and at twenty six, moving in was bound to happen eventually, but getting out of his lease was taking a hell of a lot more time than Adam had originally anticipated.

He noticed every rough day in the bags that you'd begun to sport underneath your eyes, how late you came to bed and your reluctancy to be very affectionate with him--whenever things got bad, be it at work or with stuff going on in your head, you withdrew and pushed him away--and in the fact that you weren't eating as much, in that you always looked like your mind was somewhere else, wandering off completely.

So, one day near the middle of November--where he'd started to notice your bad days in very early March--he joins you in the kitchen while you speak to one of your bosses via phone call.

He presses a kiss to your forehead, grabs your hand, gives it a squeeze. He wants to cheer you up--you're prone to bad days due to insecurity and because of a long-standing not so great track record where your mental health is concerned--and, in that particular moment, finds himself willing to do anything.

You give your best go at grinning back at him, but it comes out looking like more of a grimace. You let Adams hand go to run a stressed hand through your hair, returning your hand to Adams and letting him interlace your fingers thereafter.

"Yes," you whisper. "I understand that things are always tough in the last quarter, but--" you sigh dejectedly as your boss cuts you off, and Adam presses another kiss to your forehead, letting his lips linger for a minute.

"Yes, Earle--but you're not seeing the point here. I'm eligible for the raise because I've kept the teams afloat! The only reason you're not also eligible for the raise is because you took an eight month vacation with PTO that you quite literally stole from other employees, myself included, and just because Monica isn't willing to fire you over that doesn't mean your actions didn't warrant alternative punishments," you lean forward, press a kiss to Adams shoulder. Adams grin widens slightly as he notices that you're visibly relaxing from his touches.

A solid two minutes of shouting pass by on the other end. Adam gives your hand a supportive squeeze whenever Earles voice raises another octave in his shouting, pressing kisses against your temple when you let him pull you into a half hug. He keeps hold of your hand when the position changes, your torso pressing against the counter as Adam stands in front of you.

"Earle--I am eligible for the raise because you took six weeks of PTO from me, which I only get thanks to our companies union," You snap. "Now, because I had to spend so much time doing my fucking job, unlike you, I'm eligible for enough of a raise to make me capable of buying a home by '06, and if you're pissed off at me for that, I genuinely cannot help you any further. I have a boyfriend who I would much rather be talking to over your sorry arse, so I'm going to hang up now and if you call me back, I will ignore it. Have the day you deserve, asshat."

You hang up the phone and sigh, gaze meeting Adams in an instant.

"'M sorry," you whisper, biting your top lip for a few seconds as you look at him. "Work has been a fuckin' mess since like, the end of February. I just--damn it all."

"Eh, Earle sounds like a dickhead," Adam laughs. "How does one even get away with--eight full months? Of PTO? How?"

"Per the union agreement we have, we get six weeks a year," you start. "It's why I'm always off in December--I like staying home when it gets cold, gives me an excuse to read and drink more tea than I should--but we've moved to digitizing off time recently. Took the six weeks I'd planned to pace between the end of this month and all of next and switched them up for himself. Did that with five other employees and still, Monica doesn't fire him. Just makes me eligible for a raise of fifteen dollars on company dime because the off time I lost out on forced me to do more while I was there. Our company has one hundred and eighty-six employees in the Jersey branch and a bunch of 'em like taking spaces in the last six months of the year off, so it was me managing two teams of eighty people. Not easy work at all."

Adam blinks. "Did Monica even offer to give you the PTO back?"

"She gave me hers," you shrug. "Earle can have a lot of fuckin' fun managing one hundred and sixty people by himself. I'll find out if I get the raise tomorrow morning and my PTO will kick in then, too. He can eat shit as far as I'm concerned, I have a long list of books and two boxes of my favorite tea to drink my way through as of tomorrow."

You let Adam lead you into your shared bedroom, humming as you lay down on your bed and close your eyes.

"Are you okay?" Adam asks.

"Been a very, very stressful eight months," you laugh. "Trying to think of what I need and only one thing continually comes to mind."

"What's that?" You can hear the eagerness behind the teasing tone in Adams voice.

"I need--uh--" You laugh, suddenly feeling a little awkward. Propositioning Adam for sex was not typically done with words but kisses and your hands on his chest, relishing in the way that he looked when he lead you to your bedroom and fucked you senseless.

"Go on, baby," Adam whispers, his lips suddenly near your ear. "Gonna say it?"

You hum, suddenly embarrassed at yourself, and Adam laughs.

"Use your words, puppy," He whispers, pressing a kiss against your earlobe. "How am I supposed to know what you want me to do if you don't use your words?"

You moan helplessly in response.

"You really are cute," Adam says. "Tough while at work, one phone call later and now you're helpless that you can't even speak. Can't even say one word."

"Adam," you breathe, both because it's the one word that's coming to mind and also because you know he loves the way you say his name when all you want is for him to fuck you.

"Good puppy," Adam presses a kiss to your cheek. "Tell me what you want me to do, mm? I'll do whatever you want, but if you want me to fuck you, know that you'll be in bed for a long time once we go to sleep. You're going to come a lot tonight, puppy. You deserve it."

You moan in response. "Please," you whisper.

"You want me to fuck you, puppy?"

"Yeah," you nod. "Adam--I need you to. Don't wanna think anymore. In eight months, I've thought enough for eight lifetimes. Fuck me senseless, please."

"Whatever you want," Adam says, pulling you into a long kiss that has your head spinning.

You spend the next few minutes like that, in a kiss that's so intense, so loving and so fucking good that you wonder how you've been able to go so long being fine with quick kisses and self gratification.

The first kiss reminds you of how amazing it is to be kissed by Adam whenever the more dominant side of him comes out for a bit of fun, the way that his hands anchor themselves on your hips before one slides up your torso to cup your face, the sureness of his tongue in your mouth--everything feels amazing, and it's almost like it's too good to be true.

And then Adam pulls away for air and your eyes are opening and his lips are against your clothed shoulder, breathing in deeply with a smile on his face.

"I'm sorry we've not been--well--" you start. Adam tilts your chin upward and presses a kiss on the underside of your jaw. "I've been a terrible--"

"I've missed this, sure," Adam says, pressing another kiss against the underside of your jaw. "Yeah. Of course I've missed it, Y/N, but I absolutely understand that you've been busy. Work has kept me busy, too, so I'm just glad we can have tonight. I've missed you so much and I just wanna make you forget about how shitty the past months have been. Wanna make sure the only word you remember how to stay is my name, and that's what I'm going to do tonight, puppy. Sounds good?"

You nod eagerly, which makes Adam laugh as the hand that's on your hip gives it a squeeze.

Your gaze becomes affixed to a random point on the ceiling as Adams kisses rove across the scope of your neck, one hand on your jaw to move your head whenever he wants better access.

After a point, you start to realize that his kisses are getting longer and not too long thereafter you realize that Adam is carefully laying hickeys over your neck and is taking his time with doing it.

You want to murmur a quip, do something to jab at the possessiveness hickeys usually carry, but right as you go to do so his lips and tongue find a home on the pulse point on the right side of your neck and all you can do is moan softly, one hand finding his hair.

"Adam," you whisper. "Fucking hell, Adam--you're going to drive me insane. Please don't stop."

You hear Adams laugh, slow, amused, a little sadistic. "Well, if I'm the one who drives you to insanity, I think that means I'm the one who has to pull you out of it, doesn't it, puppy?"

With the use of that one, silly nickname, you're reduced to what is basically a human shaped puddle, and Adam knows it. Whenever he calls you his puppy in a slightly dominant tone, your knees are at risk of giving out and the look you give him is tantamount to torture if he intends to tease you until you're begging.

"Mhm," you hum, moaning as Adams lips press in a peck against your pulse point. "Also means the same if you put me into subspace with all this foreplay, Adam."

Adam grins, and you let him tilt your chin so that your head turns to meet his gaze.

"Of course," he says. "I'm basically an aftercare god, despite the fact that Scott dunked on me for it while believing a cigarette afterwards is anything less than the bare minimum--I'll take good care of you once the session is done, puppy. I promise."

Your shoulders relax at the reassurance, and you grin as Adams lips press against your forehead.

You nod after a second. "Okay," you say. "I--thank you, for this. Pre-emptively."

Deep enough into subspace and you'll borderline on mute, only able to focus on how Adams ministrations feel. You have no doubt he intends to take you there tonight, so you feel the need to thank him before you slink that far in and have to wait for it to wear off to speak a coherent sentence to him again.

"We both need it, so it's my pleasure," Adam says, starting to undo the buttons of the black long sleeved button up you'd worn to work and had yet to take off that day. "And yours--it's both of us. I promise I'll start getting more dominant in a sec, these buttons hate me."

You laugh a little, helping him undo the rest of the buttons. "They're square. They hate everybody, me included. Getting this shirt on was a nightmare this morning and I've been reminded as to why I never wear the damn thing."

Adam uses the small of your back to guide you off the bed just enough to be able to completely take the shirt off, following it by the oddly quick--Adam is very, very good at undoing the pesky little hooks that hold bras together, oddly--removal of your bra.

His lips are on yours again, one hand on your bare hip while the other finds itself cupping your face, tongue gliding across your lip in asking for entrance which you grant as your arms wrap around his shoulders.

Kissing Adam in moments like that is always amazing--kissing him has been one of your favorite things since your romance started, even quick and chaste kisses that don't last more than a few seconds. Kissing Adam has never ceased to be an absolute delight, whether it led to sex or was used as an alternative form of "hello" "goodbye" "good night" or "good morning."

And then his lips start traversing down your neck once more, and then they go further.

Adam starts draping kiss after kiss across your torso, lips pressing against you in a way that allows his tongue to poke through his teeth as he kisses you with his mouth slightly open. Every single touch of his cold tongue against your warm skin makes you clench around nothing, quickens your heart rate and feels so impossibly delightful. Adam is kissing you in a way that damn near drives you insane, and you feel yourself sinking into how good his lips and tongue feel against you as he delivers praise between kisses.

"Such a good puppy for me, mm?" Adam murmurs when he's close to your belly button. "Taking all of this so well even though you probably just want me inside you already. Such a good cumdump for me, puppy. Perfect."

You hum in response, eyes drifting down to meet his gaze as he looks up at you. He smiles, briefly, before continuing with his kisses, letting himself spend a lot of time on your hips before his kisses rove across your stomach.

He kisses along your v-line slowly and in a way that makes you want to start begging, hands roving up from your hips to your biceps.

He glances at you for a second in the asking, waiting for you to nod. You do so and Adams hands move to your pants, taking them off along with your underwear before laughing at himself.

"I've got you here, lookin' fucking perfect," he says, kissing your bicep. "And yet I'm still clothed."

Your hands go to the hem of his shirt and he lets you pull it off, kissing the side of your shoulder as he watches you toss it near the laundry hamper in the far left corner of the room. Next come his pants and his boxers, which Adam takes off in a manner that's somehow effortless despite his continued kisses to your biceps throughout the process.

"I forget how much I love your arms until I'm kissing your biceps again," Adam says, laughing a little. "Fuck, baby. Your arms are fucking gorgeous."

You hum, pressing your head into the pillow behind you as Adams kisses start up again and his hands start wandering. One settles against your face, cupping it softly, and the other goes wandering delightfully down your torso, not stopping until his fingers are millimeters above your clit.

He pauses, gaze meeting yours in a way that feels almost a little sadistic.

"Gonna make you come so many times tonight, baby," he says. "Safe word?"

"Hibiscus," you whisper. It's a precaution for when you get really kinky, a word you came up with but, five years into your relationship, have yet to actually use.

Adams lips press against the center of your collarbone, "good puppy," he whispers against the skin.

His fingers start making slow, tantalizing circles around your clit, and his kisses continue, roving down your torso and staying in the general area of your hips and stomach.

A few minutes pass you by, and right when Adam has picked up the speed and is bringing you to the edge of an orgasm, he stops.

When he notices the disappointment in the way your head falls back onto the pillow, he wastes no time in licking his fingers clean of the wetness spread across them.

"Didn't think I'd let you come so soon, did you, puppy?" Adam moves up, lips near your ear. "I did say I'd make you come multiple times tonight, but I said nothing of letting you do so without a little edging first. Gonna edge you until the sun goes down, at least, and then make you cum until at least one or two in the morning. Gonna call in sick tomorrow, too, so that I'm not worrying about waking up and going into work."

"How much more time until the sunset?" You ask. It's four--the sunset can't really be so far off, can it?

"An hour," Adam says. "But--to be fair, a lot more can be done in an hour than one might think. Also--eight hours between five and one am. Assuming that the session exhausts you, you'll probably wake up close to noon tomorrow, but there's snow in the forecast and I'll probably make you a cup of tea if I wake up before you do."

You hum. "Thank you, Adam," you whisper. He kisses you deeply, and you can still taste yourself on his tongue.

"Don't thank me," he says when he's pulled away. "It's what good partners do, especially when I'll have practically rearranged your guts and it'll be a reward for doing good anyway."

You laugh. Adam presses a kiss to your forehead as his hands once again ground themselves on your hips and yours find his shoulders, holding him close.

"I love you, baby," he says. "Sorry that work has been shit."

"I love you too," you respond. "And--that's not your fault. Please don't blame yourself for mistakes that aren't yours, Adam. Please, just kiss me. Wanna forget about work and stupid fucking Earle--just wanna think about how good it feels to be touched and kissed by you. Please."

Adams lips press against your forehead again, his hands cupping your face.

"Gonna make sure you do," he says. His lips move to your biceps again, and you shudder an intake of breath as he leaves a hickey in the wake of one of his kisses.

You have a thought to call him a hickey fiend but don't--the risk of joking with him when Adam is in dom mode is not worth the reward even slightly.

His kisses trail down your face to your neck, and from your neck to your chest. You moan a little when his lips find your nipples, biting gently as his hands give your hips a contented squeeze.

Your head falls back onto the pillow beneath it, and you smile slightly as you hear Adams contented hum as he kisses along your chest from one nipple to the other.

The next several minutes are spent in pretty much the same state. Adam kisses your chest and neck with an open mouth, tongue all too eager to leave a trail of saliva behind his kisses. He's mostly quiet as he goes about it, but every time he does something to make you moan his hands squeeze your hips in acknowledgement.

And then his lips move to your stomach, spending an absurd amount of time leaving hickeys in the less obvious places. He spends more time on your hips which tells you you'll have dark hickeys to look forward to once you have the time to investigate the state of your body in a mirror, but he's not always the dominant one when you two are having sex--you'll find your moment where he's in a particularly submissive mood and douse his body with light-ish hickeys in some very obvious spots.

His lips move down to your thighs, and his gaze meets yours.

"You're feeling all right?" He asks, lips pressing gloriously against the top of your right thigh. "Need you to make space for me, puppy. Haven't paid your thighs attention in so fucking long--'nother minute of waiting and I will go insane."

You laugh as you spread your legs and Adam positions himself in between them, lips moving across your thighs as his arms slip under them and his hands find your hips.

The amount of attention he devotes to your legs alone is almost a little excessive--it takes him ten minutes before he's content to move from your right leg to your left, and then he's focusing on that leg just as long.

Then again--Adam has always loved your thighs. You've had moments of insecurity that they were too big to handle but he's always met your insecurity with reassurance, promised that he'd tell you if he was having trouble breathing whenever he asked you to sit on his face. He loves your thighs and your biceps, which are two of the areas where you find most of your insecurity.

And then you feel his breath against your folds, and you breathe in deeply while clenching around nothing.

"Wanna taste you, puppy," Adam says. You're nodding eagerly before he can even finish the sentence, wondering how it was that you managed to go eight months without feeling Adams mouth over your folds, his lips on your clit.

Adam is good at giving oral--he is fucking amazing at it, and as his tongue presses flat against your folds, his gaze holding yours, you find that it seems he's still as good as he was eight months ago.

His tongue runs through your folds for a very long few seconds before it presses against your clit. You moan at the contact, eyes nearly rolling into the back of your head as his tongue moves in circles around the bundle of nerves.

His tongue moves back to your folds, and your hand goes to his hair. You don't hold him in a tight grip or anything, just enough to ground yourself and keep yourself from slipping away.

It's hard not to slip into it, though. The grip that Adam has on your hips, the way he's eating you out like a man starved and that goddamned nickname he always uses whenever he's domming. All of it is so much combined, so much after eight months, and all you want to do is slip into subspace and just let Adam use you however he wants.

He keeps going until you're so close--teetering on the edge, nearly ready to come on his face--and then he stops, pulling away with a glistening mouth to take a breath.

And then he's lifting himself off of you, pulling himself up to press kiss after kiss after kiss to the spot where your neck meets your shoulder, and his hand is cupping your face.

"Please, puppy," he says. "Don't wanna go eight months without this ever again. Missed it."

It takes everything in you to drum up a response, still working through the second almost-orgasm of the evening.

"Never," you manage to mumble as your head turns, seeking Adams lips. He kisses you slowly, meaningfully, and you have a moment--just a moment--where you hate yourself for letting sex get away from you for such a long time.

Work has been eight months of never ending stress, eight months of managing one hundred and sixty people, dealing with a boss who claims to care about the team but only offers a raise to the five people from whom a guy stole off time rather than firing the idiot. You feel bad--work has taken the majority of your head space since March, and that doesn't feel fair in the fucking slightest.

"Adam," you whisper. He presses a peck to your lower lip and darts his tongue out to wet his own.

"Yeah, puppy?"

"Missed you," you respond. "'M sorry about work. I promise I didn't mean to get so busy, it's just--Earle and his fucking scheme, and Monica refusing to fire his sorry ass while he has the time of his goddamned life in Monaco, and--ugh. I don't mean to ruin the mood but it's just not leaving my head."

Adam laughs, presses a kiss to your forehead. "I know how you get, Y/N," he says. "I'm too drunk on the thought of your thighs around my head to even get slightly turned off right now but that's not the point."

He laughs again, thumb gliding across your bottom lip. "I've been worried about you but I knew work was probably the reason for your late nights, baby. I promise, it just made me cherish our lazy mornings even more. If you don't like working there, you can always quit, too--you've got your rainy day savings, and my job lets me cover the rent and have money left for groceries if you don't get something right away. Has anything else been bugging you or is it just work?"

"Just been in a funk," you respond. "The sex is helping a lot, but I've always found that being with you helps me like nothing else can. Needed this, Adam. Even if you've kept me from orgasming twice so far."

"Fifteen more minutes til sundown," Adam says. "You'll be so sick of coming when I finally start letting you, baby. I think I have it in me to last eight hours, but that's because I'll be giving myself a reprieve. You, however, might not get one. Dunno--it depends on if you'll want one, really."

"You'll know I do if I use the safe word," you respond. "Just--be soft with me, mm? I don't think I can handle being degraded too much, if at all. I'm scared that if you call me a slut with a mean tone I'll just fall to pieces and start crying."

Adam laughs, presses a kiss to your temple. "Think I've done enough edging," he says. "Kind of just wanna kiss you until you're begging me for more, baby. Sound okay?"

You nod, arms wrapping around his shoulders. "You really wouldn't be mad if I quit my job?"

"I would be the opposite of angry at you if you just announced it and didn't even give your two weeks," Adam says. "You've spent the majority of the last year giving them an arm and both of your legs in the effort it's taken to keep things afloat. You're up for a significant raise which I would wait to see if you got, but there are places that pay the amount you'd be getting after your raise as the starting salary, which only goes up after the first six months. I'd start applying to those places if I were in your shoes and I didn't get the raise I fuckin' deserved."

Adams lips drop to your collarbone. "'M so in love with you," he says. "And I'm sorry that work has been such a shitstorm lately. If you want, you can switch from a marketing job to working for a salary that covers rent and groceries with me at the bookshop? They're hiring all the fucking time and it means I can basically just...spend the entirety of my break just kissing you relentlessly if you do decide to join up."

You laugh, pulling a hand through his hair. "Maybe," you say. "If I don't get the raise."

Adam laughs, gently biting against your collarbone as his hands find your hips again.

"Love your hips, puppy," he says. "Will probably have to put lotion on the hickeys I left on 'em. Got a little carried away."

"I'll get my revenge somehow," you respond. "If you ever find yourself in a submissive mood, I will absolutely cover your neck in them."

"I like hickeys in obvious places, so long as you keep them light,"

"Oh, they will be. Everywhere but your pulse point--I happen to like your pulse point, Adam. Might get carried away worse than you did with my hips."

Adam bites your collarbone again, kissing up the center of it to the underside of your jaw before his lips are once again against yours.

"I love you so fucking much," Adam says into the kiss, giving your hips a hard squeeze. "Fuck, Y/N. Gonna make sure all of your stress is gone from your mind completely. Just want you to be thinking about me, puppy."

All you can do in response is moan into Adams mouth, closing your eyes and moaning once more as he uses your moaning to slip his tongue into your mouth, one hand coming up to cup your face.

You spend the next little eternity kissing, moaning whenever Adams hands squeeze whichever part of your body they've ended up near or on--typically your ass, just below it on your thigh, your hips, or your tits--and occasionally tugging at the hairs near the nape of his neck, where one of your hands rests.

And then, Adam pulls away. You gaze at him as he holds himself up by his elbows, a handsome smirk on his face.

"You're all right?" He asks.

The truth is, all you can think about is the memory of his cock inside you and you're convinced it's slowly driving you nuts, but by all other accounts, yeah.

You nod. "I'm amazing, Adam," you say. "Need to feel you."

As you speak the words, Adam is already reaching for his night stand on his side of the bed, grabbing a condom.

You roll it onto his length, one of your hands overlapping the hand he places on your hip as you lie back down.

Adam positions himself at your entrance, pushing into you slowly even despite how wet you are--you're more than ready to feel him, but Adam still goes slow to be cautious.

When he bottoms out, both of you moan. Your lips are almost right next to Adams ear, his forehead pressing against your shoulder, so the sound of you moaning just makes Adam want you more. One of his hands is on your breast, and he squeezes it, rolling the nipple between his first finger and thumb as you clench around his length.

After a minute, you're telling Adam he can start moving and his thrusts come to a slow start as Adam figures out the pace he wants to start with.

His lips have dipped close to your ear when he whispers, "you're so wet for me," and he kisses the side of your head before adding "such a good puppy. Fuck--you're amazing."

And you're moaning in response, starting to get cockdrunk as Adam moves in calculated thrusts, one hand propping himself up by the elbow and the other against your hip.

Your thighs wrap around his waist to keep him in place, and Adam laughs as he lifts the hand on your hip to cup your face.

"You like this, baby?" He asks. You moan, nodding slightly as your eyes close, giving his shoulder a squeeze.

"Such a good puppy for me," he says. "So good, baby. You're doing so good."

And then you moan again, and Adam presses a kiss to the corner of your lips. He quickens the pace of his thrusts, lips moving to your neck as the hand that was on your face moves to your clit, rubbing circles around it and delighting in the moans it brings from your throat.

Your release spurs his on, and while you moan and release around him Adam releases into the condom, thrusting his way through the aftershocks and the way that your legs start shaking with them.

He pulls out and discards the condom, heading back to you quickly and peppering your face with kisses.

You find yourself in a state of complete and total relaxation and euphoria. Adams hands on you make you sink further in, and Adam laughs a little--you're looking at him like he's the love of your life while you're practically drowning in post-orgasm bliss, which is a delightful and meaningful addition to the times in which you've looked at him like that, particularly whenever he's decided to surprise you with breakfast or when you wake up to find him admiring you as he'd woken up before you had.

"You're feeling all right?" The orgasm had been a little intense.

You nod, and Adam presses his nose against the apple of your cheek, pressing a quick kiss there as his hands find your face.

"Going quiet?" He presses his lips to your forehead. "Not for long, baby. I have at least seven more hours with you, yeah?"

You nod, and Adams lips are on yours again.

A lot of the time, you start to realize, will be passed with Adams lips against yours, his hands going somewhere on your body as you moan and whine at his touches.

You don't hate the idea, though--Adam is a damn good kisser and absolutely knows what he's doing with his lips and tongue. You've proven yourself capable of lazily making out with Adam for hours several times, though that was when the two of you were kiss fiends in the honeymoon phase and couldn't go more than twenty minutes without it.

But then, Adams lips trail from your lips to your chest, paying attention to it as his hands move from your face to your hips. Once he's paid satisfactory attention to your chest, he moves to your stomach, where, per the presence of your hips close by, he stays for a long ten minutes.

Then his lips are on your inner thighs and your hand is in his hair and all you can do is moan, one word waiting and ready at the tip of your tongue but not falling off of it.

You watch through half lidded eyes as Adams eyes lock on your cunt, nod fervently when his gaze meets yours and his head tilts in the asking.

His tongue finds your clit and he moves one finger, slowly, into your hole as his lips follow his tongue. You turn your head and moan into the pillow in an effort to silence yourself, but the noise level at which the moan sits is still so obscene that Adam chuckles, shaking his head as his left arm slips under your thigh and his hand finds purchase at your chest.

Adams tongue moves around your clit in evenly paced circles, finger moving at a calculated pace as he adds another. Adams fingers curl around your g-spot once every fifteen-ish seconds, and every time your moans get louder because of the action, Adam laughs a little and presses his tongue flat against your clit.

Adam has you pushed to your orgasm in fifteen minutes. You barely have time to warn him before you're coming over his mouth, chin, and his hand, but Adam hardly cares. He only licks his fingers to clean them and juts his tongue out to run it over his lips, all while holding your gaze.

And then he's kissing you and you're tasting yourself, humming into the kiss as Adam reaches one arm out and fumbles for the nightstand in search of another condom.

Adam gets it and rips it open, sliding it onto his length and motioning for you to get on your knees and turn around. You do as he says and Adam slowly slides into you, the both of you moaning slightly as he bottoms out.

Adam waits a minute for you to adjust to him, and once you have he starts thrusting. He sets an even, quick pace and moves a hand to your clit, moaning as you lean back and press your back against his front.

Adams lips find a spot in the space between your neck and shoulder, and every last one of the sounds you make spurs him on. His moans are low, typically comorbid with yours, and they come in between the praise he manages to mumble out as he moves and you start moving back onto him.

"So good," he mutters, biting gently against your shoulder. "Fuck--"

You moan in response, unable to form any coherent thought other than Adams name.

"Adam," you whisper as the pace at which Adams finger touches your clit increases. "Adam--"

You feel him smile against your skin, a cocky grin taking up his face.

"Yes, baby?" He asks, moaning as you clench around him. "Gonna use your words for me, mm?"

"Adam," it's the only word that comes to mind right now, though it'll be one of ten, at best, once he's pushed you to orgasm again.

"Adam, oh--" You moan as he snaps his hips up into you.

Adam keeps the pace he's set and it's not long before you're moaning loudly as Adams lips and tongue suck a hickey into the space where your neck meets your shoulder, your release occurring just seconds before his own, before he's a moaning mess as he thrusts into you through the aftershocks.

Adam pulls out and lays you back onto the bed before rolling the condom off and tossing it into the trash.

The cycle continues that way until you find yourselves nearing one in the morning. Your lips are wet with your own saliva after you've pulled off of Adams length and he's being sweet, your face in his hands as you start moving to sit on the bed.

"One more for me, baby," he says. In eight hours, you've come more than eight times, your legs are basically jelly, and all you have on your mind is Adam. "Just one more, mm? Then I'll run us a bath and we can just relax, I promise. Aftercare god, remember?" He laughs a little at the tail end of his sentence, cringing at himself a little bit.

And you're nodding, smiling at Adam as his lips find your inner thighs and you're blissed out on post-orgasm euphoria--Adam had let you touch yourself while sucking his dick, and you'd come over your hand as he shot his load into your mouth, which you'd agreed to let him do--and it's fifteen minutes til one and Adams lips against your thighs is absolutely amazing.

And then his lips and tongue go to your cunt, and you're moaning as your thighs wrap around his head, which leads to him laughing and squeezing your hips.

And Adam eats you out carefully, slowly, moaning as he does so. He's taking his time with you because you're blissed out and will definitively need to be easy on yourself in terms of walking after all that's been done. He's moaning, tongue moving through your folds in a way that feels incredible to both you and him, and his lips find your clit as he moves to start fingering you.

Adam sets a good pace, quick but not too quick, and curls his fingers at your g-spot with every thrust. You're moaning loudly despite the time and Adam is loving it, and then you're coming on his lips and his tongue and Adam is licking it off your cunt and his lips with a focused precision.

Then Adam is getting up, pressing a kiss to your forehead and telling you he'll be back in a few minutes. He tells you he loves you but doesn't expect a response--you're absolutely too blissed out to say much of anything, and he loves it because it's the first time in eight months where you've looked so relaxed, the first time in eight months where you've felt it.

Your eyes close as Adam leaves your shared bedroom, and you hear him starting up a bath. You smile to yourself, pressing your cheek against the pillow, having a brief, floaty thought of I am so lucky before Adam comes into the room again, smile on his clean face.

He kisses your eyelids, hands finding and interlacing themselves with yours.

"C'mon," he says. "I've run us a bath, baby. Gonna relax your legs, which are definitely sore by this point."

And then your eyes are opening and he's helping you stand as he tells you how much he loves you and how amazing you were during the session, and his lips are against your forehead in a kiss.

You're mostly quiet as Adam leads you to the bathroom, humming as you get into the tub with him.

You press your chin against Adams shoulder and in the next few minutes, you're still tired but the water is still hot and you're starting to form coherent thoughts again.

"Thank you," you whisper, pressing a kiss to Adams wet shoulder. He hums, pressing a kiss to your forehead.

"For what?" Adam asks.

"For the last nine hours," you say. "For making me forget about work stress and for the sex."

Adam laughs, pressing another kiss to your forehead. "The sex was enjoyable for both parties, then," he says. "And--you're welcome, but you don't need to thank me. Just wanted to help you de-stress a little, and I'm glad I could do that."

You're in the bath together for thirty-ish minutes after that, and you let Adam wash your hair as he peppers your hickied neck with kisses and his hands run along your biceps. You wash his, and you spend the time waiting for the conditioner to set talking about your plans for the day as the day has turned.

Adam intends to let you sleep in and to make breakfast, and you intend to at least move from the bedroom to the living room after you've woken up so that you can read from the comfort of your couch.

You get out of the bath and, because your legs are still pretty sore, have barely any choice but to let Adam help you back to your room and sit on the bed as Adam gets dressed and grabs you clothes.

You get dressed into a pair of black boxers--they, Adam decides, will be comfier than sweatpants--and a hoodie Adam had during his baggy clothes phase that's baggy on you, too, and covers two thirds of your thigh before your knee amidst laughter and kisses that you share in the relative dark.

You and Adam end up going to sleep on the couch anyway so as to avoid halfhearted fighting about who sleeps on the wet spot on the bed from the sweat emitted during sex, curled up in each others arms with a thick, warm and fuzzy blanket covering you both up to your shoulders.

[procrastynol]

I wasn’t tagged, but I’ll take the invitation from @theghostcaptain and just hop on the train to answer some questions about my writing. So, I guess thanks are in order? 😉❤️

AO3: @Procrastynol

Fandoms

Currently I’m trapped in the MDZS hell (focusing on songxiao, but pretty much everything else is also go, wangxian, 3zun, anything) with a side of SVSSS and FF7 (mainly tsengru and/or turks centric). I’m still working my way through the huge load of danmei, so maybe things like TGCF, 2HA or SPL will soon join the list.

Other things I can’t seem to let go of include FF15, Mass Effect, Dragon Age and a hint of Marvel and Star Wars. If you want to go really far back, you can add LotR and Hobbit to the pile.

Where You Post

You can find all of my fics on AO3 @Procrastynol

​I rarely use tumblr anymore, mostly for keeping all the links to my fics organised in one place - and to read meta that will shred my poor heart. My main social media is Twitter, so if you want to yell at me, please go over there and feel free to do so.

Most Popular Oneshot

Conflict of Interest (FF7, tsengru, domestic fluff and dogs)

I started this one on a whim in August 2020 because A) the hype for FF7 Remake was real and B) plague times, yay! It got me back into writing fanfiction after not having done so for several years, and I’m still surprised how positively it has been received among the people who read FF7 fanfictions. A follow-up is currently in its early drafting state.

Most Popular Multichap

None (so far). But I have something brewing for my songxiao gang, so I’ll just be a little tease and tell you to stay tuned for more until Summer 2021. 😉

Favourite Story You’ve Written So Far

Untethered (MDZS, songxiao, character study xxc)

That is my November/December/Christmas-procrastination baby, which started out as a midnight word vomit I wrote in a desperate attempt to find sleep. It only grew from there, and it has become my first deep dive into the character of Xiao Xingchen and the canon setting of MDZS. To this day, it just blows me away how well this story is received despite its length and the rather limited songxiao bubble. I’m really proud of what I did here, and it has been a while since I could say that about anything I have written.

Fic You Were Nervous to Post

Frostbloom Flowers (MDZS, modern songxiao, flowershop AU)

This was my absolute first fic for the fandom, and my second fic in total after the unexpected “success” of Conflict of Interest. I was so scared to get the characters or the setting wrong, even more so since this was a prompt fill for the songxiao Secret Santa event. It has done surprisingly well, so well actually, that I have turned this into a series that I will continue this February.

How You Choose Your Titles

They either come to me or the don’t. Really, there is almost nothing in between. Sometimes a poem, a line, a lyric, an image, SOMETHING sparks my imagination and the title is the first thing I have.

If it is the other way around, the idea usually revolves around a certain dialogue, scene, setting, etc. that I want to explore and I really struggle finding a title for it once the fic is finished. There are rare instances where a title comes to me simply while working on a fic, but mostly it’s hit or miss. If it is the latter, I usually sit in my room and decide to name stories after the first thing my eyes land on 5 minutes before posting them. 😅

Do You Outline

90% of times I do. Especially larger works or multichaps need an outline. I sometimes try to write non-chronologically, and I have a really hard time doing it, so the outline becomes my LIFELINE. It allows me to skip over parts I find hard and just put the famous [get there] in certain spaces, knowing I can come back later to flesh them out because the outline guides through this process.

For oneshots, I sometimes freestyle, but even then I usually write down a few lines for the scenes/dialogues I really want to include and put them in the corresponding order, so I have a goal to work towards to and don’t start meandering around.

I hate doing them, though, even though I largely depend on outlines.

Complete

All of my fics are complete at the moment, but I have two on-going series that I’m feeding with new entries in irregular intervals.

In Progress

I have some WIPS, but none of them are in the process of being published right now. But there are a few things I’m working on, so follow me to the next paragraph if you want more details on that. 😁

Coming Soon / Not Yet Started

Curiosity killed the Cat [WT] - which is a MDZS multichapter fic I have started working on last December. I really wanted to try writing a case fic for once, something more than just drama and romance (although drama and romance will still be very much part of this). Plotting a murder mystery is really new to me and sometimes exhausting, but so far I’m having a lot of fun doing it. I don’t want to spoil the details, but it will definitely focus on pre-canon songxiao and a mysterious haunting/murder they encounter during their travels.

Another thing would be the continuation of the Egret Flower series. Currently I’m finalising the second part, writing on part three and four has already begun. Part two will feature songxiao going on the date that has been teased in the first part, Frostbloom Flowers, and part three is currently giving me a hard time because I decided to include some wangxian - we’ll see how it goes.

I’m also trying to feed the Shinra fandom a bit, since it got me back into writing literally days before I got swept away by MDZS and danmei hell. But tsengru still holds a place in my heart, has done so for years, and so Conflict of Interest has now also been turned into a series, It’s me or the Dog, and the second part for this series is also outlined already and just waiting for me to flesh it out.

Upcoming Work You’re Most Excited About

Curiosity killed the Cat [WT], definitely. I have only ever finished one other multichap in my life, and I plan to complete this one before I start posting it, to feed my lovely songxiaoists in regular intervals (and to make sure this entire case fic works and does not go up in smoke halfway down). But since this involves so many new things for me at the same time, I’m equally excited and anxious to finish it and start posting it.

Tagging

Since I’m pretty much inactive on this platform I find it a bit hard to tag someone. I think @wangji-string might have something to offer, at least if they haven’t participated already (although if you don’t feel like doing this, please feel free to ignore me). I’ll just leave it open to the rest of you whoever read this and may find it interesting - if you want to do this, please, feel free to do it! 😉

[sheliesshattered]

This Isn’t A Ghost Story extras for Chapter 6: The Future

Chapter 6 of This Isn’t A Ghost Story has been posted! You can find it here on Tumblr, or here on AO3. Spoiler-ish extras under the cut!

With chapter 6 under our belts, we’ve made it through the main portion of this fic! The next two chapters will wrap up a few loose ends -- and possibly create a couple more, of the open-ended variety -- and if I hadn’t gotten quite so deep into the world-building for this, I might have actually ended the story here. All the research I did for the world-building directly inspired the next two chapters, which were both written and finished before I had anything more than a basic sketch in place for chapter 6. 

Egyptology in the 1920s has clearly been a huge part of the world-building for this story from the beginning, and we get a bit more of it in chapter 6. The Doctor mentioned Howard Carter briefly in chapter 5, and here we loop back around to that and find out that Clara and the Doctor knew Carter well. I didn’t want to derail the chapter too much with talking about their friendship in any detail, but large portions of the timeline of when they were in Egypt in the 1920s was built around the historical events of the discovery and documentation of Tutankhamun’s tomb, and there are a few passing allusions to it in the journal entries in chapter 3 as well.

Howard Carter (pictured above in 1924) and his team of excavators found the entrance to Tutankhamun’s tomb in November of 1922, which would have been during the phase when Clara and the Doctor are exchanging letters and falling in love. One little historical detail that I sadly couldn’t quite use was that 23 November 1922 was actually a date of minor significance in the discovery of the tomb. It was the day that Carter’s financier, Lord Carnarvon, arrived at the dig site to witness the opening of the tomb, along with his daughter Lady Evelyn Herbert, who would have been about a year and a half younger than Clara. This picture of the three of them was taken at the entrance of the tomb in late 1922, and is similar to how I imagine Clara and the Doctor’s picture with Carter would have looked:

As the tomb was being excavated, Carter and Carnarvon assembled a team of experts to help with the huge task of cataloging, preserving, and translating all the many items found in the tomb, and though I never called it out specifically in This Isn’t A Ghost Story, I figure the Doctor was part of that team, probably specifically focused on translation work. In late February 1923, there was a short halt in the excavation that lasted a few weeks, which was what led, in our fictionalized version of events, to the Doctor briefly returning to Glasgow, and Clara’s impulsive decision to follow him there. After their wedding in May of ‘23, Clara and the Doctor went directly to Egypt, and the Doctor returned to work on Carter’s team.

Family members, tourists, and the press were all known to visit the dig site during that first year of excavation and the resulting media craze:

Given that, and Clara and the Doctor being ‘disgustingly in love newlyweds’ it seemed reasonable that Clara would have visited the site at least a few times, and been on good terms with Howard Carter. Carter actually got his start in Egyptology when he was hired as a young man to paint reproductions of ancient temple walls and other Egyptian artifacts:

During the excavation of Tutankhamun’s tomb, he made detailed sketches, including careful measurements, of every item removed from the tomb and where it had originally be found in the tomb. Much of what we know about King Tut’s tomb now is down to how methodical Carter was in documenting the original untouched state of the tomb, both with measurements, drawings, and photography. These are both drawings Carter did of the tomb during that period:

Chapter 3 mentions that Clara decided to learn to draw in the summer of 1923, so I liked the little detail that it was Howard Carter, with his meticulous and beautiful art, that suggested she take up the hobby. Modern Clara also notes in passing that she drew all throughout her childhood, particularly her ghost, which all connects back to those early days of their marriage in 1923.

I’ve got more up my sleeve about the world-building elements for the next two chapters, but since chapter 6 was the last chapter I finished, long after chapters 7 and 8 were done, I thought I’d talk a bit about the writing process as well. The final scenes I wrote for the entire story were near the end of chapter 6, and despite knowing what I needed this chapter to do, what needed to be in place to set up chapters 7 and 8, chapter 6 gave me a bit of trouble along the way. 

I imagined this chapter in a lot of different ways as the story was evolving, but I always knew I wanted to emphasize the possibility of future travels for Clara and the Doctor. The theme of ‘101 Places To See’ is so strong in canon that echoing it for 1920s Clara was a big part of my world-building from the beginning, and I felt like any version of a happy ending for Clara and the Doctor had to include travel. An early draft of this chapter ended on Clara’s final line from Mummy On The Orient Express, ‘Then what are you waiting for? Let's go.’ to help emphasize that travel theme -- and because I can never resist borrowing a line from canon whenever I can find an excuse.

Another early sketch for this chapter had Clara and the Doctor venturing out for grocery shopping, with the Doctor complaining up a storm while Clara tried to carry on a conversation with him without any strangers taking note of it. Originally I had planned to include more of Clara’s work week, and had scenes roughed in where her friend and fellow teacher Amy Pond found out that Clara had gotten “engaged” over the weekend, leading Clara to have to make up something on the spot about how she’d been in a long-distance relationship that had only recently turned serious, which was why Amy had never met him. There was a whole thing about how Clara and Amy (who taught ancient world history) were co-directing Coal Hill’s production of Antony And Cleopatra, and Amy wanting to make sure that Clara wasn’t going to run off to see the world with her new fiance before the night of the play. Eventually that all got boiled down to just a single exchange between Clara and the Doctor, as I decided to keep the focus tight in on the two of them and their relationship, and not even include dialogue from any other characters.

One thing that comes up again and again in my writing projects is that when I’m imagining the plotline early in the process, it always takes up a lot more calendar days than the final product does. I imagine events taking place over the course of weeks, but then find that the emotional flow works much better condensed down to a handful of days instead. Despite my stories following that same pattern in development for more than a decade now, it somehow always seems to surprise me, lol.

Really early on in working on Ghost Story, I knew I wanted to keep Clara’s canonical birthdate of 23 November 1986 and build the rest of the timeline around that, and I picked out November 2014 as the time period for the main part of the story because it corresponds roughly to when the end of s8 of the show originally aired. But in a very early outline of events, Clara didn’t have the nightmare that led to her memories coming back until the night of her birthday, a full week later from what ended up happening in this final version. 

Even as recently as a few weeks ago, I was still planning on ending this chapter on her birthday, and it wasn’t until I started digging into the scene by scene and line by line breakdown of the chapter that I realized that it really wasn’t necessary. And leaving her birthday as an upcoming event folded in nicely with the ‘Future’ theme I wanted for this chapter, so again I decided to keep the focus tight on Clara and the Doctor’s relationship as they unravel the mystery and deal with the fallout of what happened in 1927.

Figuring out what I actually wanted to happen this chapter versus what could be left on the cutting-room floor, as they say, was a huge part of the final phase of writing This Isn’t A Ghost Story. Once I had cut out extraneous scenes and meandering plot tangents (and poor Amy Pond), I was left with a very specific list of scenes and conversations, and I wrote them much the same way I write everything, jumping around to a given scene as dialogue or internal monologue occurs to me. To me it always feels like putting together a large jigsaw puzzle, filling in holes and connecting up pieces as the puzzle comes together.

I find that technique works really well for me when I’m in early and mid development of a story, but once I was down to just a couple of scenes that still needed written, progress slowed way down. I got to the point where I knew the emotional content of a scene and even most of the dialogue, and needed just a little bit of stage direction to stitch the whole thing together. Those of you who have been following along with my #process thoughts posts here may remember me posting about working on that last scene just a couple of weeks ago, trying to wrestle it into shape. 

@tounknowndestinations, @praetyger, and a few others of you have asked about it, and I can now reveal that the very last bit to get written was the sequence with Clara preparing for bed and then the two of them getting into bed. I had the awkward sex conversation and the final scene the next morning already written, I just had to connect the first part of the chapter up with those last scenes. I’m happy with how it eventually came together -- and very curious to hear if any of you could pick out that that was the last bit written? -- but not having the option to work on anything else, just those specific words in that specific place, made it more of a struggle for me than writing most of the rest of Ghost Story.

My husband and beta reader Jack was more involved with the editing of this chapter than he was with any of the other chapters, and in several places helped me rewrite individual lines or conversation beats until we were both happy with how they read. @praetyger asked how I know when writing is ‘done’, and I have to admit it’s mostly a process of reading it over and over again, and then getting Jack to read it and taking his feedback seriously. I tend towards overly long run-on sentences, so if Jack gets lost while reading a sentence, that’s one he’ll call out as needing to be reworded for clarity. 

There’s one sentence in this chapter that we went back and forth over quite a lot: ‘The feeling of what might have been that seeing their wedding photo had elicited in her wasn’t some strange, misplaced jealousy, but rather the knowledge she carried deep in her soul, buried in her subconscious, that their story wasn’t over yet.’ It was originally even more wordy, and Jack would have preferred the final version be a lot more simple, but it just didn’t read right to me without ‘elicited’ so I stuck to my guns on that bit, even as I filed down some of the wordiness in other parts of the sentence.

Both for reworking a sentence and for writing big sections in the first place, my method is generally to write it and edit a little as I go, trying to get the word choice and pacing as close to what I want as I can on a first pass. Then I’ll let it sit, at the very least overnight but often for days or longer at a time, then come back and reread it when it isn’t so fresh in my mind. At that point, sometimes a phrase will jump at me as awkward or something I used just a paragraph or two earlier, so I’ll rewrite it, let it sit, come back and edit it all over again. Sometimes what seemed like plenty of room for an emotional beat when I was writing it will go by way too fast when I reread it, so I’ll add to it, give it space to breathe. Rinse and repeat.

For the record, Jack’s favorite line from this chapter is this bit of dialogue for the Doctor: ‘“Yes,” he allowed warily, clearly not sure where she was going with this.’ I imagine it’s probably for similar reasons as why he liked the ‘she didn’t add again but knew they were both thinking it’ bit from chapter 5. I try not to put my own marriage into my writing too much, but there are some experiences of being married that I think are probably pretty universal.

@ephemeralhologram asked about my writing inspiration, and for me my writing is always driven by a kernel of a what-if idea and a desire to convey a certain emotion. I almost always start out with a ‘plotbunny’ idea, some tiny thing that I daydream about and consider from multiple angles until a plot and emotional tone starts coming into focus. 

For Ghost Story, it was actually a shitpost here on Tumblr about a real estate agent having a conversation with the ghost who haunts the house they’re trying to sell, along with wanting to try telling a Twelve/Clara story in an alternate universe completely separate from the show canon, which I had never done before Ghost Story. The emotional tone started out much sillier, more in line with that Tumblr post, but as I got into the world-building and decided I wanted to have a mystery and mutual pining at the center of this story, the tone shifted quite a lot.

The other major drivers of writing inspiration for me are that I enjoy putting words together into interesting and emotionally evocative combinations, and I enjoy conveying character emotion and eliciting emotion in the reader. No matter what fandom I’m writing in, no matter how close to canon or how AU, how short or long the story is, those two things are always at the center of my writing.

I walk around the house or do chores that I don’t have to focus on too much (dishes are excellent for this) just tossing around bits of dialogue in my head until I find an emotional beat that grabs me or a bit of phrasing that I really like. I jot those down into a googledoc -- most of my DW stories start out in a doc called “Doctor Who Bits” that is in fact just fragments of multiple stories, and then eventually a story will graduate into having its own dedicated googledoc. Figuring out the plot is just as much about deciding on the emotional journey I want to take the characters and/or the readers on as it is deciding on an order of events.

Thank you to @tounknowndestinations​, @ephemeralhologram​, and @praetyger​ for the questions! I am more than happy to answer any questions about my writing process or details about this story, or anything really, so feel free to hit me up in my ask, or in the comments on this post, or in a comment over on AO3. Thank you to everyone who has followed along with this story, and for all the support and encouragement you’ve offered along the way, I couldn’t have written this story without this wonderful little corner of the Whouffaldi fandom! ❤️

--

Extras for Chapter 7: The Museum

[autoirishlitdiscourses]

Discourse of Saturday, 10 April 2021

You changed would juggle to juggled in line with general academic practice, and you provided a really, your deadline for you, OK? Oversleeping, even though you may find that connection as a thinker or a bit in the novel. Distribution of paper handout. I think that it would be necessary to make it. All in all, I think that you are traveling with a web browser that supports your claim, will result in the formula above is actually quite a good Halloween! However, any good copy of it. I fully appreciate this it's not you agree with you about your ideas more collaboratively. Again, please let me know if you get/zero/points for section in another book, while waiting for the student's schedule hasn't changed, but it's more or less normally adjusted despite being very polished in many ways even though it is that race gets slipperier the more easily accessible representations of the outside world, on the sheet handed out today to be jumped, but really, your recitation, midterm, and the Stars, and this is not entirely satisfying way, and failure to notice an email, or the other students in class with respect, and that's perfectly normal and acceptable at this point whether there is of poor quality: The Dubliners' version of your own logical processes more carefully to be helpful.

However, one sentence at a draft of a letter grade. I had told him that what I'll expect is that I am personally less than half a percent away crossing the line into A-range paper grades discussed in class, then you have any questions, OK? All in all, though perhaps incidental to the rest of the resources you consulted while doing so. Midterm review. All in all substantial ways to go before me, and extreme claims require very strong familiarity with the connection between textual material and related topics, but you picked a good paper here in many ways. Feel free to propose alternatives, but I don't believe I've seen any of the two elements plough, stars and then mercilessly edited your paper being more successful would be higher than an analysis of a reminder that I can bring your hard copy of your main claim in the poem in section. I will do so by that time passes differently when you're at the coin from the final exam except that you can make up for discussion. Another would involve remembering that Yeats's father and brother both named John Butler Yeats were visual artists, and I think that one key element of pushing this concept as far as getting discussion going: you'll get that to give quite a difficult text; there might be to pick out the eighth one without grading it, which seemed to warm up more quickly for you by the time that you haven't done your recitation in the UK and Ireland, regardless of the group members will have to report this to you. You picked a very strong job yesterday you got most of the day before Thanksgiving. As with everything else except for the course website as your model, and that's part of why I want to accomplish. Chris Walker's guest lecture slideshow along.

I think that you finished early. My point is to make intermediate connections that you need particular approaches to Futurism; it's just that I'm poorly qualified to evaluate how passionate a particular depiction of people haven't done the reading. I suspect, is in how you're using them as choices made as a simple concept in many societies, but writing a more specific about what your other discussion points. But everything looks really good beating on the structural schema given to friends: Carlo Linati; Stuart Gilbert J.

I myself tend to agree with me. Third: remember that sometimes sitting down and start writing. If you have any other reason. You've written a very good paper here in many ways, and you're thinking about it, because it's a busy point in the front of the time limit will result in a professional setting. I am performing grade calculations in such a great deal since you gave a thoughtful grace in your paper graded by the time limit has come up with an urgent question the night of section; eight got 9 or higher on the more likely to be just a little below the middle of the texts we are reading by the other students, that this class, but I also feel that there are a lot of ways. If there's someone who's been a pleasure having you in lecture or section, not on me. Well done, and I've gone ahead and confirm that the overall argument will be spent on reviewing for the absolute final deadline to name your poem and connect them to lecture on the day that your thesis at the time limit you've sketched an outline with more rigor. Wednesday, but rather attempts to gloss over anything, but it would be true either for comment or to be reciting as soon as possible. What is my nation? 494-95 p. Which is bad. Yes, that's fine my 6 p. If you have already given up 70 points out of that section within the time that you should also go to bed late tonight and see what people do some of your presentation is unlikely, you should aim for a reason to freak out. Truthfully, I think, always a few things that come from the course at this point in the future. Ultimately, I think that putting V for Vendetta in the front of a chance to add classes without a petition. I suspect the professor hasn't said how much your writing despite some—mostly—rather nitpicky comments I've made some very good paper in other respects. Both of these are often quite good, nuanced writing. The Butcher Boy. Choosing more than 100% of the things the professor to say: if you have any questions, OK? Hi! I could try to avoid them, I'm sorry about that. Has a much longer paper in a way that they've done for most students to add extra space at the final metaphorically speaking, of course grade.

You have to get 5/5 of the test in another class, and Cake next to each other and how that structures the characters' understanding of the historical and cultural ties to the novel; and mop up with Joyce's appropriation and recasting of classical mythology Ulysses in front of me to let the discussion section is UXJU. Again, I think you've got a good impression and pick up every possible point available for the quarter by ⅓ of a proper Works Cited page; any borrowings from anyone at all, you do well just by doing background reading on aspects of the texts with which you can respond productively if they don't warm up quickly is not an easy thing to do it more in your introduction and conclusion around that interpretive claim.

VIII. Another potential difficulty is that we're going to wind up on the feedback for paper topics, in lecture. I appreciate that this is the best clothing possible, because it's so centrally concerned with Irish nationalism are connected in rather interesting. You were clearly a bit too tired tonight to do as well.

Les Demoiselles d'Avignon; Woman with Mustard Pot aha! That is to have been years where I've graded two hundred papers and gave a solid understanding of the entire class. Thanks for letting me know. 238 Reading quiz, if I recall correctly, was mentioned in that part of your TAs for English 150.

Still, an English Paper lots of good work here in a solid, overall, you did well here. Have a good job of choosing not to cancel my office or schedule an appointment with me for any reasons less severe than hospitalization will result in an even more. The Covey 6 p. Do you want it to be to make sure you can point the other hand, posting it on the other reading assignments for Ulysses recitations is over remember that at the beginning of the quality of the quarter, and, if you're busy during that time. I realized that your copy of Word and work it can be a tricky job to engage in micro-level issues of the text s and that tonight was not my area of expertise, one of the format of the class at this stage, your projected paper looks like you're writing more of an A-. Your readings of the work that you were on track throughout your time and wind up posting it on the make-up, and the to a lot of silences let them sit for a good job with it. As far as it were a couple of suggestions. Hi!

Again, well done overall. Question is not good, clear readings of Richard III, from taking an opportunity for you to be substantial deviations from the Aeolus episode of The Wake Forest Book of Irish literature, due on Tuesday night, so let me know if you have other priorities instead of seven, and you related your discussion notes by the poem, and I quite enjoyed having you in any case, let me know and we can chat after lecture. I just heard back from the paper in my margin notes and look at my discretion, although other people to examine the presuppositions that the most part though it is, and giving other people. No real surprises for me to. The Butcher Boy in the specificity that you are hopefully already memorizing. I'll assess each component separately and email it to. Awesome! Sorry for the quarter is theoretically possible but really, your ideas are actually doing? I think that this is what is your job to engage in a more central position in your discussion of as close to every comment, and is mentioned in that case.

For this reason, deciding that you could take Playboy as a source. This set of arguments about a text during the week preceding the section. I'm glad that worked out. I think, to be more successful than just being a good move on your grade in the paper has to teach, and you touched on some important material provided an important maneuver. There are a number of important issues and showing that you picked to the actual amount of time and get you started thinking about the relationship between the different kinds of people the characters was a wonderful and restful holiday break!

Does it answer your specific point.

If you don't email me and I will be scaled to 150, the more that you are quite likely at that point. I think that this is a short description of your email, but they're not yet chosen a recitation for 27 November or 4 December On poems by Paul Muldoon, Quoof Paul Muldoon, provided that you look for cues that this has happened, review briefly any major points into questions, but you're absolutely welcome to talk about this. Have a good Thanksgiving break. 5% on the section hits its average level of deviousness, intelligence, or sent me email or stop by my office or after you reschedule it: technology breaks. Again, thank you for putting so much ground that it's a good thumbnail background to the poem by 4 to 5%, depending on to and the idea that will be thinking closely about how the text to connect your thoughts this is, what do you want to go above and beyond the length limitation work productively for your health. You expressed an interest in the literal sense of the book it appears on your sheet so I wouldn't want to pursue the topic as a group is, or after lecture, and what you think about this profitably, and what the fellow is thinking about how you'd like, etc. The question will be much more apparent to you. Great! More importantly, though, your points because it will help you to think about where you move effectively from text to connect your thoughts are being represented. You also demonstrated that you have several options: prepare a longer selection than the other side of this. Thanks! Something else entirely? Etc. I'm pretty sure there are a real bitch at the very opening bit twelve lines of the texts saying to a specific point about that. Happy Thanksgiving! Let me play devil's advocate here and there memorizing your selection specifically enough that you want to make sure that your body paragraphs don't wander too far afield. Again, I realize. 25 on the issues that you had quite a good set of background information. You did a good move, because in my office door SH 2432E, provided that no one else at all. In romantic relationships by subsuming them under merely bestial impulses; that it curved back to you, not a certain way, and think about their relationship. I think that one, to talk about.

I can just bring it to be productive.

It's not. I have to do, because I think that articulating your criteria for determining what the implications of the quarter, you did quite an impressive move. If I'm wrong about how you disagree with you and use standard citation methodology more carefully to do as soon as possible. Note also that serious problems may lower your grade by 1. Have a wonderful poem, and the way that Beckett conceptualizes it.

Well. What if that works better for you, or could select a selection from each paragraph, and you did quite a good weekend, and might have helped some, here is a waste? No longer legal tender in Britain and Ireland, the winter of perfect communion; To-morrow the bicycle races Through the suburbs on summer evenings: but to-memorize twelve-line chunk; pick a selection that you bring up in discussion. The other people's textual selection in question. For one thing, and setting a positive example for them, in South Hall 1415. You had a good lens for. I Do Like a S'Nice S'Mince S'Pie sung by Corp. —You'll take the exam, and you are working. On what your total points for the announcement in lecture. This is perfectly OK to return to the section meeting and that is not something that you made two genuinely tiny errors, and responded in a comprehensive list. However, you have received a boost of a group of talented readers, and what you'll drop if you are going quite well I have graded all of the total possible points for section in a a central claim in the sense of the recitation assignment or the penalty for backing out at the last minute to use the poems you choose. Nothing that I'm allowed to pass. Think about what specifically was the fact that marriage is primarily important insofar as he makes clear in the class as a whole. But tomorrow afternoon that works best, OK?

If, after lecture tomorrow. So, what immediately suggests itself to me. —Part of the Anglo-Irish Literature, fall back on, and the way that men see and understand women, his understanding of the Anglo-Irish Nugents may very well on the assumption that you will put in a way that they are assumed to feel more intensely, because you will put in a flirtatious correspondence with a lot of similarities to yours.

Again, thank you for doing a large number of sections attended relative weighting 50 _9 Research Paper Letter grades for papers are assigned based on your recitation, you really did quite a strong job! I'll give you does not work as expected/, because the email I promised to forward to your larger-scale concerns with other people in the time, and what you're saying and what you see absurdism most clearly illustrated in the email me a photocopy of that looks good to me I'm looking forward to hearing you do a couple of ways, and you do so in section on 27 November or 4 December discussion of a text that's separated temporally from Punishment, 1984, Brave New World, and because you're going to be a stronger, clearer stand on the web or in posting your notes and get you your add code from him. Hi! Thanks for doing so by 10 a. I am currently leaning towards calling on you. Here's a breakdown on how to deliver it. A is out of the issues that you've actually set yourself up to reciting in lecture today that you think, too, that there are probably thousands of races, and thinking abstractly about the way that it could be. I forgot to say. The sample paper available on the final, and in line 22. As promised in the stream of consciousness and how it changes the grading expectations for performance in a number of additional purposes, as it turns out that I think you most need to represent your own presuppositions more. Lesson Plan for Week 4:30 or so of all my students for review. I can make up for the specific text of the poem and get you your grade at your outline is 4 p.

[jaydaydemon]

University: A crash course in covid

Three weeks at university and I have already contracted the dreaded coronavirus, who could’ve seen that coming? Well, anyone really. You don’t need to be an expert or an oracle to foresee the poor outcome of sending a million students all over the country off to university in the midst of a pandemic. Jo Grady, a university union leader, made a plea not to do just that back in August which I saw and whole heartedly agreed with, she knew then as did many others without a doubt how much of a terrible idea it was, but no one heeded the warning. Would it not have been wiser to either do the entirety of the first semester online, keeping the students at home therefore minimising the spread of the virus? Or postpone the start of the academic year until after the Christmas holiday period? These are the kind of actions one might expect those in power, the leaders of this nation, to make, tough decisions that prioritise the safety of citizens in a time where taking well thought out precautions is the best approach to minimising the disruptive nature of a pandemic in a globalised world. But yet again this current situation we find ourselves in further demonstrates the inadequacies of those we rely on to make the big decisions, this global pandemic has highlighted many shortcomings and failures of leadership not just in the United Kingdom but all over the world.

I write to you from the perspective of a mature student, someone who did not come straight out of college at 18 and went on to university, but someone who did not finish college the first time around, worked in various jobs over the years getting a taste of what life as part of the workforce is like before fully realising my interests and career goals in life. I the decided to return to education and complete a college course for over 21s that got me into the university of my choice. That year at college was somewhat difficult as the outbreak cut the academic year short and saw myself and many other college students having to finish their courses from home and our teachers forced to adjust to educating us via a virtual environment. It wasn’t easy but we managed to pull through, and short of an idiotic fiasco that threw many young people’s futures into doubt when our sort sighted government thought it wise to dictate that responsibility to a computer algorithm, most of us managed to make it to the universities of our choice.

I made it to a university in Norwich, and although I had reservations about starting during these uncertain times I rolled the dice and went for it anyway, having figured I’d taken long enough in life to make it this far and I wasn’t going to wait any longer. I applied for student accommodation as I wanted to have the full experience and as far as I was aware, at least initially, most of my lessons were going to be taught in person. It did not take long after my arrival on campus to learn that none of my lessons would be in person, although long enough to miss the window in which I could renege on my accommodation without having to pay any fees. With no events going on very late, venues closing by ten thanks to government guidelines imposed at the time, not able to mingle with people at the bar, there was nothing but flat parties left for students to let loose in which were bacterial powder kegs. And at this point I began to wonder why I had come all this way during such times, why any of us had been offered this choice in the first place when I and everyone else could have done most of the academic studying from home. But of course it was obvious, plain and clear for all to see, the economy has taken a major hit from the pandemic and the universities weren’t getting help from the government so the students were now their primary cash cow, draining us for that money they so badly needed to keep them afloat, it was readily apparent for us to see and the whole thing has a disingenuous and sleazy feel about it.

And then I tested positive for coronavirus, followed shortly by a flatmate of mine, and then our flat went into quarantine. We were not the first in our building to do so, another flat near ours had already begun theirs a few days before, but in their case they were all asymptomatic. I and my flatmate however were not and had a rough week recovering as a result. I began to feel a little under the weather a few days before testing positive but none of my symptoms matched the core ones, not at first. We were contacted by people from the university at the beginning, me and the friend who tested positive, and were given some advice on where to get help with getting food and other resources. In my case these proved not to be especially useful and thankfully my parent was able to drop food off to me on two occasions during the isolation period. The situation frayed burgeoning friendships being formed among our flatmates a little, as accusations were thrown around which did not help matters, but on the whole relations did not sour too much. Only smokers could leave the flat to indulge in that nasty habit, masks were always to be worn when entering and leaving the building, a rule which most but not all students held themselves to. No security guards were posted on each flat like at certain universities which was nice, and honestly not necessary as the cases here are certainly higher than the university lets on but the number of cases aren’t too excessive and most students are being sensible. The cleaners have been in only once the entire isolation period, which is better than some universities, but they only cleaned a select few toilets belonging to a third of the flatmates. Although the litter started to pile up it wasn’t beyond control in our flat at least.

The symptoms of the coronavirus abated for myself and my friend after eight days or so, and no one else in the flat came down with it, all tests returning negative results, but since our self-isolation period began several more flats across various buildings have gone into quarantine as well.

The mood here I can describe as frustrated. There are over a thousand young people here, many of them freshers like myself looking to have a good time and live it up but there are few places to let loose and not enough going on to sate the appetites of party goers. Even during a pandemic it is near impossible to contain the energy of the youth, and those of you who are older and read this now need to consider if you would have had such restraint in your teens or early twenties, and if you’re being honest you know the answer is most certainly no. The downside of all this is that there’s a lot of young people with so much pent up energy and very few places or opportunities to expend it in a time like this, which is a bad mixture. And when a fifth of those students are stuck in self isolation, taunted by the sounds of those who escaped the virus partying away in the next flat across from you, it wears away on one’s nerves. But as could have been predicted, by the time our flat emerged from quarantine, most of those flats that were partying the whole time were starting their own self-isolation period.

Right now, no one is in a good situation. This pandemic has created a crisis in many areas of life, not just to students, but to many working people out there who are now jobless, many industries who are struggling to support themselves, and the incompetency of governance in many areas does little to help matters. Although the universities aren’t in a great position either, they have little moral high ground to stand on right now, they are complicit in this situation and regardless of their situation they should have made the tough choice and kept students away for the remainder of this year. At this point I think we can all agree on one thing; 2020 is a write off, it cannot be salvaged, it might have been to some degree if the right decisions had be made but, the rush to get everything going like normal once again in a time where normalcy has died and we all know it has only exacerbated the situation and there’s no way that this isn’t going to have a roll on effect into next year and beyond. This is something we are going to have to live with for a long while yet, and we must figure out better ways to endure it, but where do we look to find these solutions? I don’t know anymore, do you?

First drafted: October 2020. Published: November 15th 2020.

[dreadnought-dear-captain]

You Asked, I Told and Update

CW: Spoilers for Baghdad Waltz up to chapter 36 and some non-graphic discussion of childhood sexual abuse 

Hello!!!

Wow, I am so, so sorry for falling off the grid like that. I thought I was going to have WAY more time in October/November to work on the fic and work on fandom stuff in general, but my professional life threw me a huge right hook and I got completely sidetracked for weeks. So I’m off schedule a bit, in terms of having the next chapter. I’m sorry for the delay. 

I’m done with the full draft of Chapter 37 (about 23k - “short” but emotionally very dense) and am working through final revisions now. However, I also had to do an extensive amount of 9/11-related research for it, and part of that research has been reviewing oral histories of New Yorkers from the day of the attacks, and I came to the shocking realization that much of the prologue is historically inaccurate. Moreover, it’s shamefully inconsistent with the way that New Yorkers would respond to such an event. I’m embarrassed by how shoddy of a job I did with it.

Thus, I’m also going to be rewriting the prologue and including more accurate details, both historically and in terms of character dynamics. I mean, there’s no way Bucky could even live in Brooklyn and be a first responder at Ground Zero! All the bridges and tunnels were shut down. Shame on me. There will be ripple effects throughout the entire fic. Sigh. This is just round one of the massive amount of revisions I will be doing to the early chapters of the fic, which I wrote years ago now. I was going to wait to post both at the same time, but I don’t want to make you wait that long. I’ll just give you a notification when I finish the prologue revisions, and it’ll be like a little bonus chapter.

Anyway, here are some asks! Starting with a two-parter

First, thank you for the kind words. I’m glad you’re finding this fic moving. It’s definitely an emotional rollercoaster for these characters, and my hope (I guess?) is to have that be a parallel process for the readers. I think you hit the nail on the head that this relationship is exhausting. And you’re also right that not everyone would have the perseverance to keep coming back to it. It would be so much easier to amputate, pack up and go home. But once these characters get back into each other’s orbit, it’s very challenging for them to not keep crashing back into each other. It’s partially because they just love each other so much, but it’s also because they have an unhealthy relationship dynamic that sets them up for these toxic cycles. This will become especially apparent in the next chapter. They love each other, yes, but they also use each other to fill the gaping holes and insecurities they have within themselves. And they’re horrible communicators to boot. It’s a perfect storm. But at least they are going to try out some of this therapy crap maybe…?? We’ll see!

Along a similar line…

Thank you so much. That is so lovely of you to say, and I’m happy that I have your trust with this story. That said, I don’t know if it’s weakness if you’re not willing to run yourself through a miserable gauntlet of suffering the way Steve and Bucky are doing in this story. Would we call Rikki weak for drawing a boundary and stepping away from Bucky when his alcoholism was destroying their family? Some people used other words, but I’m not sure if weakness is the thing that might make someone walk away from a relationship like this. Just because you love someone doesn’t mean you should keep slamming your face against the same wall until you’re black and blue. This is a highly dysfunctional couple, and these men have serious issues they are grappling with personally that make them ripe for this kind of relationship. Bucky is an open wound, crippled with shame, desperate to do anything to feel better. Steve has deep attachment injuries from his chronically ill mother and deadbeat dad, as well as major control issues, and he wants to latch on and fix and make right, and if he manages every variable just right, he really thinks he can do it. And then throw in a fuckton of PTSD and TBI and alcoholism and physical injuries on top of it. So no, I wouldn’t rush to judge yourself for not envisioning yourself gutting it out in this grim scenario. 

But I also think we can identify with at least one of these characters, and we can root for people who want to overcome the shit that life has thrown at them to be with the person they love. Because they really do love each other. There’s just so much noise that it’s hard to tease out the signal sometimes. 

Good call on Bucky being a notoriously unreliable narrator, and he’s someone who is likely to underreport his suffering. Aside from his war-related injuries and his psychological struggles, Bucky’s most symptomatic issues are his GI problems. He has both peptic and esophageal ulcers, which are slightly different creatures. Peptic (stomach) ulcers, in Bucky’s case, have been caused by H. pylori and exacerbated by smoking and drinking. The esophageal ulcer was most likely caused by an excess of stomach acid due to gastroesophageal reflux disease (GERD) and, once again, exacerbated by drinking. Both of these have led to nausea, vomiting, lack of appetite, and weight loss. They have really emerged since Bucky got out of the military and pursued drinking with renewed vigor. Though he wouldn’t know it at the time because he doesn’t keep up with these things, his GERD is very possibly linked to acute, high dose exposure to the exceedingly toxic “dust” from the collapse of the World Trade Center towers. It’s one of the most widespread chronic health ailments of those exposed, aside from lower respiratory problems.

And now for some heavy-ass questions from licketysplittt — see CW above.

Yes, I am going to talk more about the context of Bucky’s abuse for sure, so I won’t go into the depths here. But I will say now that you are absolutely right that he has complex feelings for his abuser. I think it would have been easy to write him as just being unidimensionally angry or ashamed, but I know that’s not the experience of everyone who has experienced sexual abuse. This is especially the case if the person who commits the abuse it is a family member or caretaker or friend or trusted religious figure or someone who’s not just a “stranger in the bushes” type. I wanted to try to capture that experience in this fic. Bucky has also been multiply victimized by multiple people over the course of his life, which adds to this complexity and creates an internal narrative for him. Like what does it mean that this keeps happening to him? This is also not an uncommon experience for people who have been abused as children. And there’s also the added piece of this that Bucky’s gay, right? So he’s got this very, very young sexuality that’s on the verge of blooming (your Disney sexuality perhaps, sitting close, holding hands, etc) and this older male is making sexual advances toward him, and so he might ask if this person “saw” something in him aside from his social isolation that made him choose him. These are certainly questions he’s tortured himself over. I will get more into all of this, I promise. 

Winnie and George undoubtedly knew that their kid wasn’t a very popular one. But perhaps they always knew that he was a kid who wasn’t destined to have many friends because he’s “sensitive” or however they would characterize him (I’m sure they had different ways of viewing him). And I think it’s important to take into account the type of household that Bucky was in and the way he would shape his behavior. George was this total wildcard — “Best Dad in the World” most days but a screaming, violent tyrant at these odd, unpredictable times that were fucking terrifying for everyone in his path. This is a house where it’s best just to shut up and create as few problems as you can, because you don’t want to be the one that dad is gonna flip his shit at. And so everyone is walking on eggshells and Bucky is going to get very good at lying about how bad things are. And oh! Jamie finally has a friend, how wonderful. There will be more details in upcoming chapters about how this all transpires, but I think the dynamics at home made it possible for a lot of this to happen. And you’re right that these were not the most skillful parents, and their marriage was very strained and stressful for everyone. And these fictional assholes also frustrate me! The emotional content can be hard to write. It’s one reason these past few chapters have taken me soooooo painfully long. 

Great questions! You are all so thoughtful and kind. Sorry again for getting so terribly sidetracked. I am going to keep plugging away at the chapter and at comments and asks. I’m optimistic that I will have the next chapter for you within the next two weeks. I am pleased with this chapter and hope you’ll like it. Thank you for being so patient!!! 

[monicawoe]

12, 16, 21, 25

for the fanfic end of the year asks meme (thanks @slytherkins !)

12. favorite character to write about this year: It’s a tie between Eddie Brock/Venom and Sam Winchester. Venom fics have been incredibly fun to write and I’ve really been enjoying writing more humorous fics which is something I used to struggle with. But with Supernatural in its last season I also had a serious resurgence of need to write all the Sam fics!

21. most memorable comment/review:  “M A X I M U M T O A S T BABYBOI NO.”…which totally makes sense in context. Venom had some difficulties operating the toaster.

25. a fic you read this year you would recommend everyone read: Definitely The Holy Grail Bird by @denugis  Not just because she wrote this as a gift fic to me, but because it’s easily one of my favorite fics of all times. This is such an insightful look into Sam and addresses the Winchester’s Chuck Problem so cleverly, but more than that it brought me to tears in the best kind of way, the kind of tears that happen when somebody just gets it so spot on and so beautifully that your heart leaps and aches all at the same time.  If you are a Sam Winchester fan, do yourself a favor and read this immediately if you haven’t yet, and if you’ve already read it, then go read it again

16 fic(s) you completed this year (*saving this one for last since it’s a long response!) I completed 17 fics this year, of which 16 were posted–mainly Supernatural, Venom and MCU. This was such an awesome year for collaborations, big-bangs and fic exchanges. I had the opportunity to work with some truly stellar artists who are all total sweethearts, so thanks again to @sketchydean, @sdeeys, @vebirascanvasand of course @quickreaver for bringing my fics to life so beautifully. Thanks also to everybody whose prompts I filled for various events, and big thanks to my amazing betas for saving me from my own bad writing habits

Links, fic summaries, and gorgeous art banners below the cut!

Supernatural:

Lakeside Fishing - After defeating Famine, after days of suffering through demon blood withdrawal in the panic room, Sam needs time to clear his head. Early in the morning, he heads to a small lake seeking solitude, but instead finds an unexpected ally. (Sam/Patrick(S5ep7), 4k words)

His Soul to Keep - art by @sketchydean - written for the SPN Eldritch Bang horror event - Dean’s deal is coming due soon. When he finds out from Ruby that Hell will turn him into a demon, he refuses to accept it, even though he can already feel pieces of his soul starting to crumble away. Sam is his only anchor to the world, and Dean finds it harder and harder to leave his side.   After Broward County, after watching Dean die a thousand deaths, Sam decides he’s not going to let Dean go to Hell. He’ll do whatever it takes, even if that means allying himself with Ruby and using the darkness inside of him. Sam casts a soul-binding spell on Dean; they might not be able to break the deal, but they can change who Dean’s soul belongs to. (13k, Sam/Dean, hard-gen, AU of season 3))

Thirteen Taps of The Ivory Beak - Death is a transient thing. The bird knows this, because she herself is both alive and not. Her creator made her this way, not by choice but because of who he is. (a companion piece to de_nugis’ The Holy Grail Bird, 900 words)

Whosoever Holds - Just when Sam Winchester needs it most, Mjölnir returns to him. But is he really worthy? (2k, gen Sam Winchester, Steve Rogers; MCU/SPN crossover)

The Devil You Knew - Brady, not Azazel, had killed Jessica, all those years ago. And now he was sitting across from Sam, bound. Trapped. (1k; an alternate version of Sam’s confrontation with Brady in 5x20)

Wednesday - It’s Wednesday. It’s always Wednesday, he thinks, as he stands up and leaves the motel room, not sparing a glance at the other bed. (2k, Mystery Spot boyKing!Sam AU)

Last Drop - art by @quickreaver -written for the Twisted Tropes event - Sam/Brady AU set while Sam’s at Stanford:  Sam is slowly adjusting to his new life at Stanford University. He’s left his life of hunting behind, and traded it for endless studying and tests, but he’s plagued by dreams of Dean and Dad in danger, dreams of blood and violence. Then he meets Tyson Brady, who’s always there with a smile and a cup of coffee to get Sam through all-nighters. Sam’s dreams start to fade, but just as he’s getting used to a nice normal life, he starts to develop abilities—powers he can’t control. Brady thinks they’re great, but Sam knows power never comes without a cost. (14k, Sam/Brady)

Breathing, Talking, Dead Man Walking   -  John Doe, male, approximately thirty-seven years old. Subject was found by EMTs in close proximity to the site of a sizable explosion in Lebanon, Kansas. (2k, gen, Sam & Dean)

Venom:

Costume Party - Eddie and Venom are invited to a costume party at the museum. While there, they find a mad scientist in the dinosaur wing who is up to no good. (Symbrock, 5k words)

Reckoning Tartare with a Side of Tater Tots - Eddie Brock is writing a story about Will Graham, a man accused of horrific serial murders. But Eddie’s got a feeling Will is innocent, and somebody else is to blame. When Hannibal Lecter invites Eddie to dinner, Venom is surprised by the menu. (2k words; Venom | Hannibal crossover)

The End Times Are Here (But So Are We) - Eddie Brock crashes his motorcycle near Anathema Device’s Jasmine Cottage. She was expecting him, of course. Agnes Nutter’s prophecy had foretold his coming, just in time for the End of Days. (2k words; Venom | Good Omens crossover)

Asunder - (bigbang featuring art by @sdeeys and @vebirascanvas !) Eddie and Venom have grown accustomed to their new life together. They patrol every night, keeping San Francisco just a little safer, and keeping Venom fed. But one night, they’re captured, and separated. Eddie wakes up to find himself imprisoned in a glass cell and, for the first time in six months, completely alone.  (Symbrock, PG-13, 12k words; written for the @symbrockbigbang)

Midnight Snack - Eight hours is way too long to wait until breakfast. Venom makes snacks while Eddie is sleeping. Unfortunately the toaster gives them some issues. (3k words)

They Say It’s Your Birthday - Venom asks Dan to help throw a surprise birthday party for Eddie. (3k words | written for the chocolate box gift exchange)

Marvel/Captain America

Interstitial Light - After Thanos wiped half of life off the planet, the remaining Avengers find a way to reach out to those they lost, using a combination of Stark-Tech, magic and their own memories. Steve makes contact with Bucky, but they spent too many decades apart when Steve was on ice. But there was somebody else who knew Bucky during that time—who trained with him, who knew both the Winter Soldier and James Barnes: Natasha. | 6k, Natasha, Bucky

Stumble and Fall Into You   -   Three months ago, Steve’s world shattered. SHIELD had been infiltrated by Hydra, people he trusted turned out to be enemies, and Bucky, who he thought he’d lost in 1944, had been alive this whole time. Steve tries to get back to some kind of normalcy, but Bucky is always on his mind, and lately he’s been seeing him everywhere. | 5k, Steve/Bucky

—

The 17th fic I completed this year is my Sam Winchester Big Bang fic, which will be posting early next year. I’ve gotten paired with yet another wonderful artist (I think it’s still supposed to be a secret, but it won’t be for long) and am very excited about this collaboration too!

Might as well make this my end of year stats post as well while I’m at it.

Words so far: 247,305 as of end of November, I’ll probably come in close to 280k by end of year. About a third of these words were posted as fics, the rest were prior drafts and a handful of short stories.

Thematically this was a very cathartic and iddy year for me in fic. Venom fandom gave me the opportunity to tackle things in a totally different way which has been incredibly freeing and fun to write, and returning to Supernatural fic had me writing out ideas I’d had on the backburner for years, like with Wednesday and my aforementioned SWBB. Nearly every Sam Winchester fic I write is about autonomy (loss of or reclaiming of) in one way or another but I’d say the two iddiest ones by far from this year were His Soul to Keep and Last Drop. 

I’ve got four WIPs heading into 2020, so here’s to another year of writing!

[eponymous-rose]

Weird question, but you seem really productive despite seeming to have a constantly fluctuating routine, with both your work and your hobbies. Most people think having a solid routine is the only way to increase your productivity but I've pretty much given up on having a routine since my life seems similar to yours--a lot of travel, weird and always changing work hours. Do you have any advice on how you deal with routine and productivity in spite of that?

Oh gosh, this is definitely something I struggle with a LOT, and I’m not sure I’ve found a coping strategy that works for me yet. But the small things that have been helping have been (1) keeping a routine in my planning even if the stuff I do changes dramatically (even if I’m traveling, I have a notebook where, every Sunday, I list all the stuff that has specific dates/times for the following week, I list the stuff where I still have to come up with a date/time, and I list the stuff I’ve gotta do that week for sure), and (2) finding multiple ways to approach the same goals that I can tailor to my level of energy/spare time on any given week (so this week I’m just not in a super exercisey mindset and can’t rely on having the motivation to run every day, but instead I’m making an extra effort not to eat out this week—lower-effort for my current state of mind, but all toward the same goal of feeling a bit healthier overall).

I’m also very cognizant of how little time at work is actually spent working, so I try not to feel guilty if the total number of hours worked is low as long as the work’s getting done. I’m an incredibly routine-oriented person, but it’s been a bit freeing to slowly and steadily teach myself that stuff just has to get finished one way or another, and the easiest way to do that is to just focus on specific goals and let the rest be flexible.

Anyway, yesterday I was thinking of this ask and was like, “You know, I’ll just write up what I do on Monday as an example, and I bet things will go hilariously awry.” And so they did.

So here’s what my weekly planning list looked like last night:

Dated Events:

Call with paper coauthor at 9AM Monday

Call with leadership academy planning committee at 10AM Monday

Call with peer mentoring group at 9AM Tuesday

Sit in on class at 11:30AM Tuesday and Thursday

Seminars Wednesday at 3PM, Thursday at 4PM, and Friday at 3PM

D&D Saturday at 6PM

Undated Events:

Coordinating abstract submission for an upcoming conference (early week)

Setting up Skype calls with a couple friends I haven’t talked to in a while (late week)

Assorted Priorities:

Book hotel for work travel in July

Accept journal article review request and scope out how long that’ll take

Review some materials sent out for my peer mentoring call

Revise my paper and submit the revisions before the Monday deadline

Get my driver’s license renewed (the joys of yearly visa renewal… your license has to be renewed yearly as well)

Put together a schedule for a biweekly Twitter feature highlighting new publications for the account I run for a subcommittee in my field

Respond to an e-mail about a conference in January about some weird deadline that popped up for next week

Come up with conference abstract ideas before the as-yet-unscheduled meeting

Fill out some action items in advance of my 10AM Monday call

And some more specific checklists for four research projects I’m focusing on this week

I purposely try to group conference calls together, because I currently share my office and feel weird doing video calls when she’s stuck in frame five feet away from me while she tries to work. So Monday seems like a good day to work from home, and I can squeeze in Tuesday’s call before heading to the office that morning. I’ll be in the office Tuesday-Friday, which means I’ll be able to attend those seminars and classes with no problem. I have most of my D&D prep done already because we ended early last game, so I can leave that until Saturday. The only thing I might have to shuffle to next week is the driver’s license thing, because it’ll take three hours and I have to account for finding a Lyft there and back. Okay. Aces.

Wake up this morning to find my internet’s out, and I also somehow left the hard drive with all my research on it at work. Hoo boy. But staring over my to-do list, I think I can set today up as a “big picture” day and not have to do any actual coding, so I’m still okay to work from home. I can also phone in to the conference calls instead of using the video call software. All good.

Luckily, the internet comes back right before my first call of the day. Said call is with someone who also happens to be a dean, so she has a tendency to get held up at meetings, so I take that delay to look at the action items for my second call (I mean… if you send me action items at 8PM on a Sunday I am not gonna touch them until Monday morning).

When she did make it online, we chatted about the new paper, and she strongly encouraged me to send it to our other coauthors in case they have suggestions. We’re submitting on Monday, which is way too short-notice to read a 20-page research paper, but they already read the pre-revision version in great detail, so I shot them an e-mail that included a summary of the substantial changes and a note to the effect that if any of them want more time to look at this stuff, I can beg the editor for an extension on their behalf. Minor crisis averted.

Second meeting is very intense and structured. Everyone has to volunteer to organize and lead two webinars in the next three months, so I go ahead and volunteer for the two April ones so I’ll get it out of the way early. Aaand the first webinar is at 1PM this Friday. Okay. I’ll work from home that morning so I can do last-minute prep, then head into the office in time for the 3PM seminar. No biggie. One organizer puts together a draft schedule, and I send a quick e-mail suggesting a different use of one of the ten-minute time slots. One of the other organizers requests another conference call tomorrow instead of e-mails. I tell them I can only do after 4PM, if I leave work early. Eh. We’ll see how that works out.

After the call, I get through a bunch of small tasks in maybe 20 minutes: hotel booked, Twitter posts prepped, review request accepted (not due until May 20, so plenty of time on that), conference deadline e-mail chain started. I spend the rest of the time before noon getting sucked into an article someone sent me about the myths surrounding undergraduate grade inflation and then reading up on the peer mentoring materials for our call tomorrow. A couple other minor e-mails pop up (scheduling the precise date of a conference mixer in January, that kind of thing) and I manage to deal with them right away.

Lunch! Clearly working from home means I should take the opportunity to indulge in some fine cuisine, some leisurely cooking that highlights—

I heat up a microwave meal (chicken couscous) and watch YouTube videos for an hour.

Back in it! I write up some abstract submission ideas and make a valiant attempt at setting up a time to talk about them, but it looks like that might have to wait until next week. We’re still a ways before the deadline, so that’s okay.

Mmmmmmm someone on Twitter mentions a conference in Germany in September and a workshop in Colorado in July that both look like a good fit for my research. I’m in a situation where I have a big chunk of travel funding that’s going to disappear unless it gets spent in the next year. Oh no. But also oh yes.

Just in case, I put together a couple point-form ideas for stuff to propose that I can bring to the people holding the purse strings.

The rest of the afternoon is spent putting together weekly goals for four of my research projects: each one involves a collaboration with a different person, so I’d like to be able to send each of them an e-mail with at least one new thing to share about that project this week. Just in case that doesn’t happen, though, I rank them from most to least important. Worst-case scenario, I don’t have to send any of them this week, but it’ll make next week tougher if I don’t.

It’s only about 3:30 at this point, but honestly, I’m feeling a bit exhausted and overwhelmed (some of the e-mail chains have gone through five or six replies at this point and keeping it all straight is giving me a headache), so I opt to get some groceries and call it a day.

I may have added some stuff, but I got a lot crossed off today! Here’s how that last checklist looks at the end of the day:

Assorted Priorities:

Revise my paper and submit the revisions before the Monday deadline

Project #1: come up with a new exploratory figure and send to Person A.

Project #2: summarize the early results I started last week and send to Person B, along with an ask to see whether he’d be up for me presenting this stuff in Europe in November.

Project #3: improve on figures I showed last month and send to Person C.

Project #4: prepare a rough outline of the next paper to send to Person D.

Not having my work hard drive means I was able to just focus on the stuff that wasn’t specific to research today. In all the chaos of today, I’ve set myself up well for a research-heavy rest of the week where I (hopefully) won’t have to worry about non-research stuff or big changes to the schedule and can just burrow into research, emerging for occasional seminar/webinar breaks. A good Monday, all around.

[laurintranslation]

a guide by a former applicant who never received a single rejection letter!

table of contents

where to begin

essays

transcripts + test scores

letters of recommendation

interviews

before we begin, please remember that while the process of applying to college may seem like it will never end, in just a few short months it will. yes, it is a stressful time full of uncertainty, and you may start to think that college isn’t even worth it, but this is the time where all the hard work you’ve been putting in for the past four years really comes to fruition. you know how hard you’ve worked to get where you are, and let your applications accurately reflect that.

where to begin

figure out where you want to apply. have a backup, somewhere you can get in for sure, at least two schools you’d be happy to attend including one you know you can for sure afford, and then of course your dream/reach school. some people do more than this (I applied to 8 in total), but this is a good starting point.

set up your common app account. the common app application usually launches on august 1, but go in before that and get your account set up so you can get a head start. the first thing I would do is fill out the application part itself, sans essays. it’s a ton of information, and it’ll be overwhelming at first, but if you can get it done, especially before you go back to school, then you won’t have to worry about it.

get organized! go through the requirements of every school you’re applying to. figure out what you need to submit and when. be aware of your deadlines from the beginning and make a checklist to mark everything off as you go.

essays

to be perfectly honest, the essays are the most time-consuming and most daunting part of this process. here’s how to tackle them:

first of all, start early. in august it may seem like you have plenty of time, but then you’ll blink, and it’ll be november. I spent a first week and a half of my christmas break trying to finish a 2000-word essay because I didn’t really start my essays until october. please save yourself that stress and aim to finish at least a first draft of all your essays by halloween.

KNOW. YOUR. SCHOOL. I cannot stress this enough. this is the one thing I can tell you that will make or break your entire application. certain schools and even programs value certain qualities in their applicants, and knowing what they’re looking for can help you cater your essay to their specific tastes. for example, NYU values the diversity of their student body and their reputation as a global institution. express why you also value diversity and how you would contribute to or take advantage of that globality. don’t go into your essay writing without some semblance of what the schools you’re applying to stand for. if you can demonstrate that you understand their missions and their vision, you can turn your borderline acceptance into a much more solid one.

on a similar note, get familiar with your school or program’s website. for one thing, it will help you get to know your school better and understand what they’re looking for (point above). you can also prove just how interested you are by naming specific programs or opportunities available that you’re interested in or even a professor you’d like to study under. do outside research too: watch youtube videos, talk to current students, and read student publications. a deeper understanding not only strengthens your essays but also helps you to know what’s available to you.

show some enthusiasm, even if an essay is for a school that’s lower on your list. admissions officers want students who want to be there. you may think you’re above gushing, but you’re not. gush, even if it’s your backup and you’re a shoo-in. apathy is not impressive to an admissions officer.

really focus on what makes you unique. I know that sounds cliche, but admissions officers read thousands of essays every application cycle, so you really need to find what can make you, and thus your essay, stand out. I promise you, you can find some unique experience to write about, even if it’s some obscure anecdote. spin it to be a thoughtful, profound experience. talk about something that has seriously impacted you or your trajectory. if you’re having a hard time writing about yourself (I know I did) ask a parent or a friend, someone who knows you well, what they think makes you different. I promise you there’s something there you can use.

work smarter. reuse material from similar prompts. reuse old graded essays. I even reused a book review I had already written for my english class. writing these essays is not your full-time job (though it may feel like it), so be smart about it where you can.

transcripts + test scores

(combining these since really at this point all you have to do is submit them)

in terms of test scores: so it’s the beginning of your senior year and you’re still not happy with your standardized test scores. take them again! you still have time! you should doublecheck to be sure, but most schools will take your test scores all the way up to the application deadline, and sometimes even after, which gives you at least two or three more opportunities to take the SAT/ACT. also, sending scores to multiple schools can get really expensive really fast (roughly $15 per school, so you do the math), so see if you’re eligible for fee waivers before you submit.

in terms of transcripts: request them early. it took my guidance counselor at my smallish public school almost 6 weeks to submit my transcripts after I requested them to be sent. the longer you wait, the more time it’s going to take them, because they’ll be doing the same for hundreds of other kids. also, double check and see if your schools require mid-year transcripts; most don’t unless you’re actually going there, but some do. make sure your guidance counselor knows you need those in by a certain date; mine almost didn’t make it in time because it took the school district almost two months to get them done. you’ve already done the hard work to make the grades on your transcript; don’t let a lack of action create an issue with it.

letters of recommendation

(this is one area that can actually really help you if you take the time and put in some effort)

teacher recs: most schools require at least one teacher recommendation. start thinking about whom you want to write your recs once school starts, and then ask those teachers as soon as possible. chances are, they’ll have other students asking as well. it takes time to write a really good recommendation, and you have to remember your teacher is doing all of this on top of their other work. so be courteous and don’t wait until three weeks before the deadline to ask.

counselor recs: pretty much every school requires a counselor recommendation. this process probably varies from high school to high school, but at least for mine, we had to print an online form and fill it out to give to them. I had no idea, however, that that was a thing until one of my friends told me. so get on your school’s website as soon as possible and see if your guidance office has a section posted about the college application process. then, as with teacher recs, make the request as soon as possible. counselor recs may take even longer (again, hundreds of students), and you don’t want to wait until the last minute to get something so simple done.

other recs: recommendations from someone associated with the college you’re applying to—a prominent alumnus (the more money they’ve donated, the better) or a well-respected staff member are your best options—can really tip the scale in favor of a borderline application. we all know that in the real world it’s not always what you know but whom you know. yeah, it’s unfair, but work that system anyways. ask your parents if they know anyone with some kind of connection to your school. if you live nearby, get in contact with a professor in your field. even if you don’t, go on facebook and find your local alumni chapter. contact someone involved and ask them to meet you for lunch. express how important that school is to you, and I’m sure they’d be more than happy to help. make the system work for you!

interviews

*a total sidenote: interviewing was actually really helpful for me personally. my interview at my former top choice made me realize what I really wanted for myself in college and totally changed the trajectory of my college experience*

let me just say, interviewing is not for everyone. some people come off better in person than they do on paper, and some people don’t. so do not feel like you need to interview at every single one of your schools if that really isn’t your thing.

again, know your school. most schools offer interviews, but it’s rarely a requirement. if your school strongly recommends you interview (ex. wake forest), you should probably do it. if not, it’s really up to you.

just putting in the effort of interviewing, especially if you have to travel to get there, shows your interest in the school and can help you in the long run. an interview is typically weighted equally with all the other aspects of your application, so unless you really bomb it, it won’t make a big difference.

prioritize. some schools offer skype or local alumni interviews to make things more accessible if you farther away, but not all do. if you have to travel for an interview, especially if it involves getting on a plane, pick your top two or three choices to focus on, especially if you think you’ll be more of a borderline applicant.

every school does interviews differently. some treat it more like a conversation, others like a Q&A. you may be interviewed by an alumnus, a current student, or an admissions director. it all varies. do your research ahead of time so you’ll know what to expect. some schools even have sample questions you can practice answering.

prepare, prepare, prepare. the more prep you do, the more confident you’ll feel, and the better you’ll do. talk through the questions you’ll be answering. have a mock interview with someone you trust, preferably who has interview experience and can give you pointers. if you know ahead of time who will be interviewing you, do a little research on that person so you know something about them and what to expect. and again, know your school and what they value in their students so you can exemplify those qualities. 

random bonus tips

get in touch with the admissions director for your region. most schools have multiple admissions officers that read applications for a certain area of the country (ex. pacific northwest). most likely, they’ll be the one reading your application. so email them with your questions or issues (although, please, please don’t ever ask anything that can be found on the website, and for the love of god, don’t have your mom call or email for you). if you happen to be on campus, stop by admissions and make an effort to introduce yourself. by the time that person gets to your application, the hope is that even if they don’t recognize your name right off that bat, it at least seems familiar enough that they know you’ve made an effort and demonstrated your interest.

thank you notes! if you interview or have someone besides your teacher or counselor write a letter of rec for you, don’t forget to send a handwritten thank you note. it’s just a little adult thing to start doing that goes that extra mile. plus, if you mail a thank you note to your interviewer via the admissions office, it may get put in your file, which will reflect well on your personal professionalism.

more helpful tips & resources

if you have any questions, please feel free to send an ask. also, if you’d like more specific advice here are the schools I applied to: emerson college, univ of central florida, colgate univ, wake forest univ, college of william & mary, middlebury college, new york univ, and univ of st andrews.

essays

“those different essays that keep popping up tips” by @thisnerdsadventures 

“college essay masterpost” by @studyfandom 

“would you admit you?” by @genericappblrurl

“college essays” by @sootudying 

“college essay edits” by @intellectys

letters of recommendation

“teacher recs” by @etudiance

interviews

“15 questions to know for college interviews” by @solustudies

“college interviews” by @cyberstudies 

general

“massive college masterpost” by @heyiwantyoutostay

“college application websites masterlist” by @cyberstudies 

“smol college app tips” by @365text 

good luck, young ones!! you can do it!!

[the-elemental-sides]

all of my god dang WIPs

In an attempt to put my life in some semblance of order, as well as have a convenient place to check back on the thing I should be writing at the moment, I am putting here a list of every single in-progress Sanders Sides story in my Google docs. There’s like, 15 of them, listed roughly in order from ��has not been touched in 1000 years” to “worked on fairly recently.”

Oh yeah! And if any of these stories are listed as “dead” but you like the concept, feel free to take it! Let me know if you want to see what I had written.

Sanders Script

Last Modified: February 18, 2018

Status: Dead

Summary: A fake episode script where the Sides explain the Sanders Sides fandom to the recently-accepted Anxiety, who’s been staying away from the whole ordeal. My first Sanders Sides writing! I started writing it just after catching up with the series because I thought, no way could I write any kind of non-script-style fanfic out of these characters.

The Joan Thing pt II

Last Modified: March 30, 2018

Status: Dead

Summary: The first attempt of many to write a sequel to The Joan Thing. It failed. However, its concept might be something I revisit later. 

Architects

Last Modified: April 30, 2018

Status: Dead

Summary: Gods/creators-of-the-world AU sort of thing where the Sides are all creating aspects of Earth (sea, space, underground, sky) with Thomas as their supervisor. Got fired because I thought the concept was too complicated/theological, and it started feeling kind of like the Sims. 

Guardian Angels

Last Modified: April 29, 2018

Status: Most Likely Dead

Summary: In a world where many people have guardian angels, Patton finally gets his in the form of Virgil. The Sides didn’t feel entirely in-character to me, so I changed the names and started an original fiction version. Then I still wanted to write the Sides version and got confused. 

Angst

Last Modified: July 20, 2018

Status: Dead

Summary: Yep, the doc’s just called “Angst” because I wanted to practice something sad. Roman goes out on a mind palace adventure, breaks his leg fighting a monster, and can’t get home. Virgil finds him. I wrote ‘666′ soon after this and was satisfied with that.

First Person Fusions

Last Modified: July 22, 2018

Status: doesn’t look good, chief

Summary: I did publish a chapter of this on Analogical, and I have a bit of the Logince chapter done. Not sure if I’m still interested in it or not, especially since I don’t have ideas for the combined headspaces of the rest of the ships.

From The Other Side

Last Modified: July 31, 2018

Status: Hiatus

Summary: I have the prologue published. I love this idea, but I don’t know if I can finish it any time soon. It’s kind of a longer fic! We’ll see what happens to it.

Talyn, The Take Two

Last Modified: September 9, 2018

Status: Needs a miracle

Summary: This doc is a conglomerate of most of the other “Joan Thing sequel” attempts. Sorry, fans of the story, it’s just weirdly hard to write??? It’s difficult to push the concept any further without playing into even more of the unintentional D.I.D. similarities of the first. I need a really solid idea to continue this one.

A Morality Story

Last Modified: September 10, 2018

Status: PURGATORY

Summary: All right, this story is a weird case because it’s in my Tumblr drafts. It’s RIGHT there. I even got a beta for it! But I’m very self-conscious about sharing it. It’s an experimental little exchange between Morality and an OC of mine whose whole deal is morality too. Eh, maybe I’ll hit post one of these days.

Ask Prompt Doc

Last Modified: September 18, 2018

Status: In Progress

Summary: Vy and hayleycreagine/nextstep17, this one’s for you! Your asks have been in my inbox for m o n t h s and I’m still working on your suggestions. Sorry for the wait, but they SHALL be finished. Someday.

The Elemental Sides

Last Modified: Nov 2, 2018

Status: WILL be completed

Summary: My longest story, and the one the blog’s named after. It’s about Thomas discovering four spirits with elemental powers trapped in an amulet. Currently, I do have enough for another chapter written, but it’s all definitely in first-draft mode.

G/T Sides

Last Modified: Early November

Status: Hiatus

Summary: This one isn’t in a doc, but amazable01 requested a continuation of an unnamed story about Logan having a brownie, Patton, take up residence in his house. It’s currently an unfinished Tumblr draft. I don’t wanna disappoint amazable, so I’ll do what I can!

Project Doll

Last Modified: February 1, 2019

Status: In Progress

Summary: I can’t talk too much about this one because it’s my Reverse Big Bang fic. The plot is *continuous screams of horror for an hour*. See ya when I post it in April!

sides ideas

Last Modified: February 2, 2019

Status: In Progress

Summary: This one is actually pretty close to being done. I fell in love with a Sanders Sides fic and wrote my own chapter for it: an interpretation of some events that were covered in a letter. Can’t wait to finish it and talk more about how much I love this fic!

W***** L*********

Last Modified: February 5, 2019

Status: not even started yet but I made the doc

Summary: This one’s the fic I’m gonna write for the regular Big Bang (I might be getting ahead of myself, but the mods recommend we use all the time we have). I have to censor the title so I don’t spoil anything, but maybe you can guess??

Analogically

Last Modified: this morning lol (feb 6)

Status: In Progress

Summary: Based on a recommendation by theresneverenoughfandoms, this is an Analogical oneshot. Hopefully I can keep up with writing it...unlike many many stories on this list!

[redowlkitchen]

Dulcimer Update!

I haven’t written a dulcimer update in ages. I’ve meant to. I’ve even started a few times and then deleted the draft. But I haven’t followed through with actually posting an update because the truth is… I’ve been really neglecting my dulcimer.

As I’ve mentioned in previous updates, school vacations really throw off my schedule, which in turn, throws off my drive to practice. I often get the urge to play the dulcimer early in the morning, but I don’t want to bother my neighbors, so I hold off. By the time a “reasonable” hour comes around (I aim for 10AM and even that might be considered early for a lot of people), I don’t feel like playing anymore. I tell myself I have the whole day to play, and then spend the whole day doing everything except playing until it’s too late to start banging on strings.

So here’s what happened: Summer vacation came around. First, I was busy with end of the year responsibilities, then packing for my trip to Japan. Then I was in Japan. I got back to my apartment in late July, and didn’t want to deal with the pain of retuning the dulcimer after it not having been played in about a month. (Ugh.) Basically, I let the instrument sit most of the summer and didn’t get around to playing again until mid-September. I’ve been playing on and off since then. Now it’s really time for me to get back into a playing schedule though because you know what’s coming?

Christmas music.

Somewhere around the middle of November, it becomes socially acceptable to start playing Christmas music, and if there’s one thing I love to hear or play on any instrument, it’s Christmas music. Usually, I believe strongly that the Christmas season can’t start until the day after Thanksgiving or maybe at least not until after Santa has passed by in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. However, a girl has to start practicing songs before the season, right? Have you heard Christmas music on a dulcimer? It’s heavenly. Here’s Joshua Messick  performing Carol of the Bells. (He recorded the dulcimer parts for Mary and the Witch’s Flower.) And here’s Timothy Seaman performing a medley of Hark! The Harold Angels Sing and Away in a Manger.

So basically, I’m using Christmas as my incentive to get serious about practicing again. Right now, I’m just playing my usual songs (as well as a Ghibli song I’ve been preparing for a while—it’s almost ready!) but by the time the middle of November rolls around, I’ll be ready to whip out the Christmas music and relearn what I worked on last year. I can’t wait!

[rkiverse]

we find love | 1

Summary: In a fixed, black and white-filtered world, you find your soulmate through color. All the places they’ve been to and all the things they’ve touched gain color. But the only problem is, everything you see starts to gain color at a faster rate the moment you hit nineteen. And before you could even figure out or find who your soulmate is, the whole world is already engulfed in color. Beware, though, when you start to fall out of love for your soulmate, the colors disappear, and you wouldn’t even know.

Genre: soulmate!au, idol!verse, fluff and angst!

Word Count: 8.7K+

Warning(s): just swearing!

A/N: I know I said I was going to post for the follow-up series but that didn’t quite end up happening. I will have it done, though! Just wanted to let you know since you guys have been waiting for it. But for the meantime, please settle for this and my love~

[There is a timeline throughout this story. The month and year are in bold and italics. In addition, the time setting does not change unless stated!]

You were nineteen when you saw color for the first time.

You remember the occurrence so vividly. After being dismissed from classes, you made your way to the cafe shop to buy some coffee and to work on some essays. Soon enough, the moment you sat down with your fresh cup of coffee, the cafe shop slowly started to gain its color. You let out a soft gasp as a hint of red seeped through the glass of your mug. A smile spread across your lips and never seemed to leave. But you had no idea how fast your world was changing color until you hit twenty-years young.

At twenty-years of age, Hongdae was flashing with bright-colored neon lights and lit-up billboards, and you have never felt so disappointed to see so many colors in just one day. With endless crowds of people flowing in and out of Hongdae, the probability of finding your soulmate was ultimately low.

You’re hitting twenty-two years of age, and almost everything you see is now engulfed in color. From yellow umbrellas to cozy, warm-toned libraries, you were slowly starting to miss the times where your vision was still filtered in black and white.

While all your friends went out on dates with their soulmates, you’d sulk up in your sadness with the company of your couch and a bag of chips. Sometimes, if you were feeling a bit sadder than usual, you’d top it all off with a tub of ice cream. Whenever soulmates would become the topic of a conversation, they’d all turn to you and ask about your progress in finding them.

And all you could do is shrug your shoulders in reply, with a feeling of sadness still pondering in your heart. They just have no idea.

Year: May 2016

“You’re bored already? We’ve only been on the highway for ten minutes.”

Taehyung glances up at Jungkook who’s looking down at him. Taehyung pauses his anime and pulls out his earphones. “Wanna watch with me?”

“Sure,” Jungkook mumbles and plops down next to him, grabbing one earphone to plug into his ear. 

The two of them slowly immerse themselves in the episode before something catches Taehyung in the corner of his eye. He looks out the window to see a bright yellow mascot dancing in front of a store. His heart skips a beat at the sight of his first color; yellow. 

“Hyung, are you okay? You look pale.”

He tears his gaze from the mascot that’s now getting smaller and smaller as the car continues its way on the highway. Glancing at the younger one, he nods his head before feeling his lips turn up into a huge smile. 

“Yellow,” he whispers. “The mascot was yellow.”

“Was that your first color?” The younger one questions and Taehyung nods his head in reply. “How did it look like?”

Taehyung smiles to himself, plugging an earphone back into his ear and just before he unpauses the episode, he mumbles, “beautiful.”

Taehyung grew up hearing stories about seeing color for the first time, and the myth behind it. But as he grew older and older, it was all starting to make sense; the myth was the reality. Some of the trainees back at BigHit would ramble on and on and seem to be at a loss for words when they see their first color. Sometimes it’d be a blue or a purple, but Taehyung would never know, his vision was still filtered black and white.

The first member of the group who saw color for the first time was Jimin. He remembers the day Jimin came home with a pale face and shaking hands. A beautiful light blue, he said. Ever since then, Taehyung was determined to see his first color in the hopes of finally meeting his soulmate.

“Wouldn’t it be such a burden for your soulmate, though?” Namjoon chuckles, for he has seen the color pink for the first time a few months back. 

“What do you mean?” Taehyung asks and the latter shrugs his shoulders.

“We’re about to go on a world tour, we’ve been almost everywhere in South Korea,” he replies, “wouldn’t that only mean that your soulmate now sees everything in color?”

“True,” Jungkook mumbles. “That sucks. I bet they’ll have a harder time than us.”

“Did Taehyung already see his first color?” Jimin pipes in. “What’d you see?”

“Yellow,” he replies. 

“Ah, the bright, beautiful yellow.” Jimin beams at him, “the best part is when you can walk into a store that’s flashing right back at you with every color you could possibly see.”

Taehyung could only smile softly at his best friend before tearing his gaze away from him and back to the road. The boys give each other knowing looks when they leave Taehyung all alone at the back of the tour bus, staring off into the distance with a clouded mind. 

Year: May 2016

“Have you finished typing up your essay?”

Glancing up from your laptop screen, you see your roommate, Eunha, looking at you with a questioning look while munching on her mini carrots. Simply nodding your head, she only rolls her eyes at you. While you were the brightest out of the two of you, she still manages to hand things in on time and receive an average grade in return.

“Of course you’ve finished,” she mutters, “why do I even have to ask you?”

“I just like having things done early,” you say softly, smiling at her. “Are you almost done?”

She lets out a laugh before staring you straight in the eye. “Barely.”

“You should get started on it, it’s due in about—” you begin and cut yourself off by glancing at the clock reading 2:03 AM, “three days.”

“But you know what else is in three days?” She questions with a sly smirk spreading across her lips. You frown and she gapes at you. “Are you actually joking?”

“I’m being serious,” you chuckle. “What else in three days? What else happens to fall on the same day that our essays are due which by the way, you’ve barely started on.”

“Bangtan,” she smiles goofily. “Bangtan is having their concert at the Olympic Gymnastics Arena.”

“Bangtan?” 

“Are you fucking kidding me—”

“Okay, I’m kidding.” You laugh, “so I’m guessing you’re going to ditch your responsibilities and go to the concert instead?”

“Ding! Ding! Ding! We have a winner!” She exclaims while pointing at you with her fingers. “My boyfriend and I are going, he insisted on coming whether he liked it or not.”

You feel your smile falter at the mention of a significant other. Right, I still haven’t found you, yet. Eunha notices how you suddenly grow quiet and she walks over to your bed, plopping down right beside you. She’s the only one that knows your struggles whenever it came this whole shitty soulmate world because she’s already been there, and she’s done that. But now that she’s found her soulmate, she has left you all alone in the cold, all by yourself, still looking... still searching.

“Do you wanna come with us?” She asks and you shake your head. 

“I’d rather submit my essay, besides, if you somehow miraculously finish your essay on the day of, I’ll hand it in for you.” You smile and she reaches out to pinch your cheeks. 

“I’ll try to have it done before the day of unless you help me out, English major!”

While she’s still pinching your cheeks, you stop giggling when the sight of a bright pink on Eunha’s bracelet starts to seep through. You furrow your eyebrows in confusion, holding her arms and pulling them away from you. As you reach out for her bracelet, you bring it closer to your eyes to get a better look of the pink cherry blossoms covered all over the band.

“Are you okay?” She questions and you look at her with glassy eyes.

“Where’d you get this?” You whisper.

“It’s the official merchandise for Bangtan’s concert. I bought it online, straight from the official shop.” She replies. “Why?”

“Oh,” you mumble before placing it back on her wrist. “Nevermind.”

Eunha laughs at you and ruffles your hair. You sigh, grabbing your laptop and opening up the final draft of your essay. Eunha’s laughs die down and she tries to get a good look at you. 

“Are you sure you’re okay?” 

You look back up at her while nodding your head. Although your teary eyes were telling her otherwise, you didn’t need to bother telling her what you were truly feeling as you suddenly burst out into tears. She pulls you into a tight embrace and it’s almost as if she just knows. Because she truly does.

“You’ll find him, you just have to be patient.” She whispers, combing her fingers through your hair.

This was the problem when it came to finding your soulmate. While almost all of your friends, especially your best friend Eunha, have found their soulmates, here you were, still looking for yours. On top of that, your soulmate was making it extremely difficult since everything you’ve seen came back to life through colors.

“You’ll find him, and when you do, you’ll be the happiest girl on earth.”

Year: November 2016

“Taehyung-ah, do you mind running to the coffee shop and getting me an iced americano?”

And out he goes with nothing but a fall jacket, a face mask, and his wallet. Out on a search for a local coffee shop, he finally stops in his tracks when he spots one down the road. Unknowingly, he enters the coffee shop that’s filled with cool, autumn tones of orange, red and brown.

“Hi, what can I get you for today?” 

He smiles at the barista and replies, “I’ll get a small, iced americano—”

He stops mid-sentence when he realizes the barista is wearing a strong red apron. The barista looks at him awkwardly, noticing how he’s been staring straight at her apron for too long. He finally snaps out of it, smiling apologetically at the barista.

“Yes, sorry, I’ll have a small iced americano.”

He pays the barista and obtains his change. While he waits for Yoongi’s drink, he takes his time observing the shop. From the brick walls to the tables, he could only laugh to himself. He was seeing a ton of colors for the first time, all combined to bring a dull coffee shop back to life. It truly was amazing. It was moments like these where he’d let time freeze to admire the beauty of color, to admire the thought of his own soulmate. Jimin was right. 

He comes back to the practice room with a huge smile spread across his lips. The boys look at him funnily but Taehyung’s too busy being absorbed by his own thoughts. 

“You look like an idiot,” Yoongi rolls his eyes with a gummy smile.

“Today’s going to be a good day,” Taehyung says softly.

“Of course it’s going to be a good day,” Jungkook scoffs, “it’s our third Muster!”

“I bet he saw another color,” Jimin grins.

“I did.”

“You did?” Jin asks and Taehyung nods.

“The whole coffee shop was in color, I saw browns, reds, oranges, and the color that stood out to me was a woman’s purple laptop.” Taehyung rambles.

“Let’s just hope that your soulmate somehow attends tonight,” Jungkook teases, “it’ll be easier to find her.”

Taehyung’s smile falls and it’s replaced with a frown. He shakes his head at the younger one, and the boys look at him with concern. “She can’t see me like this.”

“What do you mean? If she sees you tonight, it’ll be special for her—”

“She can’t see me up there on stage, she just can’t.” He explains, “I’ve made things harder for her, and the fact that just finding her is much easier than her finding me, it hurts.”

They were all still in the same phase as he was, still looking, and yet, they haven’t found anyone. They all knew the consequences of being an idol with a soulmate. Out of a sea of fans to even finding them through their power of fame, they were the lucky ones.

The boys don’t protest or express their opinions. Instead, they go on with their pre-concert preparations while Taehyung plops himself onto a chair to get his makeup done. 

Year: March 2017

“Is everything all set?”

Your parents look at you with teary eyes, still holding onto your suitcase and carry-on. Letting out a soft chuckle, you nod your head for the nth time. Your mother has asked you the same exact question for the past twenty minutes. Meanwhile, your father was silent throughout the whole drive to the airport.

“It’s just an internship abroad, mom, I’m not gonna stay there forever.” You tease and she sniffs, wiping away her tears with some tissues. “Besides, I’ll skype call you every now and then.”

“But you’ll be gone for six months,” she mumbles sadly. “That’s a long time.”

“Not too long, I’ll be back before you even know it.” You reassure her. “And this is really important to me.”

“Do your best for us, okay?” You nod with a small smile spread across your lips.

You were thankful that your parents had supported your career path. Most of your friends were still med school, while you were busy writing essays and articles. You were different from all of them, and yet, your parents supported your passion in English. You were even more thankful when you received a once in a lifetime internship in the US, and your parents were nothing but proud.

“You better go to your terminal before you miss your flight,” your dad insists. 

“I’ll see you guys later, alright?” You grin and your parents start waving you goodbye.

As you start walking through the airport, you suddenly stop to stare at the walls. The walls began to brighten into greens and oranges. Soon enough, the duty-free stores were enhancing into bright colors of pink and purple. Your head began to feel as if though it was spinning at how the airport was coming back to life in color. Your soulmate is here. Or has been. It’s one of the two.

Gulping nervously, you shake off your thoughts and continue on with your life. Heading towards some of the duty-free shops, you glance down at your clock and realize you have a few hours to kill before your flight. Sighing to yourself, you walk into Gucci.

“Taehyung-ah, I asked for an iced cappuccino, not an iced americano.”

Namjoon groans, grabbing the beverage anyways and taking his first sip of caffeine for the day. The boys were already lounging in the terminal, munching on some sandwiches they bought from a nearby sandwich shop at the food court. 

“When’s our flight again?”

“We have four hours to kill,” Jin replies and Taehyung glances at Jimin with a smile beginning to spread across his lips. “Yah, I swear if you guys use this time to go—”

“We’ll be back! We’re going duty-free shopping!” Taehyung and Jimin exclaim, scurrying away before Jin could scold them.

“So, what’s our first stop?” Jimin asks.

“Gucci,” he replies.

“Why did I even have to ask?”

The two of them speedwalk to the Gucci shop right across from them. As Taehyung enters the shop, he bows at the workers and starts to scan throughout the shop for something he’ll purchase. 

Walking to the tie section, he glances at the ones he hasn’t bought yet. Suddenly, he sees a hand reach out to grab a tie from the rack and he feels his heart stop. The tie suddenly enhances into a flashing red, and the tiger imprinted on the tie itself was turning into an orange. As his eyes divert from the tie, his eyes fall upon a woman standing just about a meter away from him. 

He stares at you while you’re checking the price, wincing at the number of digits a simple tie would cost. He could only smile to himself at your dorkiness. The store suddenly lights up in all beautiful colors. He’s found you.

“Taehyung-ah, have you found anything yet?” 

He snaps out of his trance and turns towards Jimin who’s standing a few meters away with a new bomber jacket. He shakes his head in reply, “actually, I’ve been meaning to buy something, I still have to look for it, though.”

He turns away from Jimin and realizes you’re gone, leaving the tie back on the rack. His eyes scan throughout the store and he spots you looking at the belts and its respected prices. Glancing back at the tie, he pulls it off from the rack.

“Wow, nice choice!” Jimin exclaims.

He nods his head in agreement. Although his heart was swelling at the thought of you, he only realizes that you’re still oblivious. He frowns, hiding the tie behind his back and carefully preventing himself from touching anything else in the store. He couldn’t do this to you. You were so easy to spot, and yet, you have no idea who he was. And he wasn’t sure if he wanted to keep it that way.

He wanted his presence to be a surprise to you. He didn’t want you to meet him at a Gucci shop, at an airport, or even at one of his concerts. He wanted you to meet him when he was ready; when he was Kim Taehyung and not V.

“You look tense, are you okay?” Jimin asks by placing a hand on his shoulder. Taehyung stiffens at his touch and nods his head with a timid smile. 

“I just... don’t want to touch anything. I’ll cash this out, alright? I’ll see you outside the store.” Taehyung insists before heading towards the check-out line.

Jimin frowns, watching his best friend swerve through people and articles of clothing with careful movements. Just by his movements, Jimin knew it meant one thing and one thing only; he just spotted his soulmate.

Year: September 2017

“I can’t believe you’re back, honey.”

You laugh when your mother pulls you into a tight hug. While your father was busy putting all your suitcases and souvenirs into the trunk of the car, you pull away from your mother and smile.

“I told you it wouldn’t be that long,” you roll your eyes. “Besides, I have good news for you.”

“What is it, honey?” She questions.

“I got an email from a huge entertainment company and they’re asking me to work for them,” you explain, “they’re going to be paying me a ton for my work.”

“Entertainment company? Why an entertainment company?” Your father pipes in as you all get into the car.

“BigHit, does it sound familiar?” You ask.

“Ah, the famous entertainment that houses that boy group, what are they called again? Bangtan, was it?” You nod your head in reply.

“They sent me an email asking me to work for them and help the boys in that group to learn how to speak English. They’re getting pretty popular worldwide, and they told me they were going to pay me big bucks.”

“So, you’re basically going to be their English tutor?” 

“Yeah, but they also told me that I would be translating their YouTube videos, some blog posts, I’m basically going to do all the English-related work.” 

“When did they ask you to start?” Your father asks and looks at you through the mirror.

“They told me to start as soon as possible since the boys have to do their promotions. They just released a new album. Right after their promotions, they’re back on tour.” You explain. “And apparently they’re going back to America for the AMAs.”

“Now I see why they need you,” your mother grins. “I remember when they were at the Billboard Music Awards and their leader was translating and everything.”

“Maybe that’s why they hired me.”

“Since you’re going to back to work soon, do you mind getting Namjoon to sign my album?” Your mother pleads.

“Mom, are you kidding me?”

“Boys, you’ll be getting a new addition to the team from now on.”

“Is it a new makeup artist?” Jungkook asks and the boys snicker. 

“No, Jungkook.” PD-nim rolls his eyes. “It’s going to be—”

“A new stylist?” Jimin gasps. “They’re all very good stylists and—”

“Let me finish,” he says sternly and the boys straighten up their postures. “I got you guys an English teacher and translator, she’ll be coming along with you on your future promotions.”

“Sweet,” Namjoon nods his head, “I don’t need to translate anymore, and she can teach the boys.”

“Great,” PD-nim smiles, “prepare yourselves and give her a good impression, she’ll be arriving today in about an hour, do you understand me?”

“Yes,” they all say in unison.

The boys continue on practicing their performances. When a minute turns into an hour, the boys gather together at the corner of the room to munch on some lunch. Suddenly, PD-nim enters the room.

“She’s here, would you all mind introducing yourselves to her?”

As you slowly enter the room, the boys are still scurrying to stand up in a line. You’ve been nervous ever since you stepped into the building. You’ve noticed that the whole building was in color, the trainees were wearing such vibrant pieces of clothing, and the littlest things like a small, black Teacup Pomeranian with brown streaks wandering down the hallway. 

When you’re finally face-to-face with the boys, they bow to you and do their usual greeting. You smile genuinely at them, noticing how they’re breathless and sweaty. 

“Nice to meet you all, I’m (Y/N). Let’s hope we’ll get along perfectly from now on.” You say and they’re all staring at you in awe. 

“Wow, your English is so good.” One of them says. You glance at him and notice how he’s wearing a white t-shirt and a pair of blue jeans. “Please teach me your ways, noona.”

They were all standing right before you in color. Your soulmate probably works here. Heck, your soulmate probably works with them every day. Your eyes scan each member, one by one, until your eyes fall upon the last one standing in line. He had silver, platinum hair. He looks at you as if you’re a ghost, and all you could do is let out a giggle. He tilts his head in confusion.

“Are you okay?” You ask in Korean and he points to himself, and you nod.

“I-I’m okay, just a little bit tired—”

“A little bit flustered.” Another one cuts him off, and when he smiles, his eyes turn into beautiful crescents. “Just a little.”

“Should we treat her out on her first day? I know we’ve just started eating lunch but I know a really good place for barbeque.” Jin suggests.

As you reach the restaurant, you and the seven boys sit all together at a table. While waiting for the food, one of them clears their throat. Glancing at him, he smiles at you, flashing his dimples.

“I think we should all introduce ourselves since we’ll be working quite closely with each other from now on,” he insists, “I’m Namjoon, the leader. I’m the only one that knows how to speak English.”

“Oh, you’re the one my mother likes—” You suddenly say only to clamp your mouth shut before embarrassing yourself. “I mean, she just... admires you.”

He lets out a laugh and the boys continue on with their introductions.

“Hi noona, I’m Jungkook,” the guy with the white t-shirt says, “I’m the youngest.”

“Jin! I’m the oldest,” you nod your head.

“For now, you won’t see me often, I’m mostly in the studio working on some songs for the album. Until then, I’m Yoongi, nice to meet you.”

“I’m Jimin! I really want to learn how to speak English, it’s quite difficult to have a conversation with international fans.” 

“We’ll work on that, Jimin-ssi.” You smile and he gives you two thumbs up.

“I’m Hoseok, and there’s no need for formalities, treat us as if we’re your friend!” 

“I’ll keep that in mind,” you giggle.

Suddenly the boys are silent, looking at the last member of the group sitting right across from you. You look at him with an encouraging smile and it seems as if though he’s having trouble looking at you. When he does, you feel your heart stop at how handsome he looked. 

“I’m Taehyung,” he smiles genuinely, “I hope we can all become great friends in the future.”

“Great!” Namjoon exclaims. “(Y/N)-ssi—”

“Yah, what did I say about the formalities? I thought we were all gonna be friends,” Hoseok whines. “(Y/N), are you okay with dropping the formalities?”

You nod your head, “I’m fine with that, actually, I think I prefer it that way.”

“Alright then,” Namjoon nods his head, “(Y/N), tell us about yourself.”

“Well,” you begin, “I was born and raised in Seoul. I went to school and found a passion in English. Surprisingly enough, I was the only one amongst my peers who was pretty intelligent in English.”

“So, I’m assuming you pursued an English major in university?” Yoongi asks.

You nod your head. “Right. I went to university and I graduated with honors. I was offered an internship for the New York Times for six months. Then before I came back home once my internship ended, your company called me and asked me to work for you. I agreed, and now, here I am.”

“Wow, and how old are you?” Jimin says in aw.

“I’m almost twenty-two.” 

“We’re the same age!” Taehyung exclaims out of nowhere and the boys look at him with bewildered gazes. “I mean—it’s nice that we’re all around the same age, it makes it easier for all of us to get along.”

You look at Taehyung who’s finally looking straight at you. He courageously smiles, and you can’t help but return it. 

“Tae, you’re acting really weird today,” Jungkook smirks.

“Today’s just a great day,” he explains with his gaze still focused on you. 

It’s almost promotion time, and the boys are seriously locking themselves up in the studio and in the dance rehearsal room. Whenever they weren’t in the studio or the rehearsal room, they were all busy learning English with you. PD-nim had suggested that you’d spend the first week teaching all of them as a group, and the following week changes to one-on-one lessons.

You’re still a bit skeptical at how everything in the building was in color. But with your busy schedules, you don’t have the time to search. However, you’re a bit comfortable with the fact that your soulmate could be just around the corner, and fate will grant you your reward if you were patient enough.

“Today, I have a one-on-one lesson with—”

“Me!” You look up from your agenda to see Taehyung raising his hand.

“Great! I guess there’s no need for my planner,” you chuckle.

“Your planner is really pretty,” he says softly, but his eyes slightly widen and he clears his throat. “I mean, I don’t really know what it truly looks like... from the looks of it, I think it’s really pretty.”

You look at him confusedly and giggle. “Thanks?”

Taehyung follows you down the hallway and internally scolds himself for almost blowing his cover. Your planner was a bright yellow, just like the first color he saw. As the two of you enter into an empty rehearsal room, you both take seats at the corner. When you’re both finally settled and ready to start, you look at Taehyung with a reassuring smile.

“Can I ask you something?” He questions and you hum in reply. “What’s your favorite color?”

You’re taken aback by his sudden thought, and you shrug your shoulders. 

“Yellow,” you mumble. “I’ve seen a lot of colors, but... yellow is my favorite color of them all.”

“Ah,” he nods his head, “if you don’t mind me asking, I know we’re not close but, have you ever—have you found your soulmate?” 

Placing your notebook aside, you shake your head at him. “Nope.”

He nods his head, almost as if he understood exactly how you felt. You smile timidly, and before he could ask any other follow-up questions, you sigh softly.

“But that’s a story for another time,” you mumble. 

“I’m sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable,” he apologizes.

“Don’t worry about it,” you purse your lips into a tight line, “it’s been this way since I was nineteen.”

Taehyung watches you as you pick up your notebook and flip to the brand new lesson you have to teach him. While his notebook is already in his hands, he begins to flip to a fresh, blank page. Suddenly, he looks up when he hears you mumble.

“What’s your favorite color?” 

Your eyes meet his and he feels his heart begin to break. I can’t tell you, not yet.

“Yellow.”

Year: November 2017

In just a few months, you’ve developed quite close friendships with the boys. You and Yoongi share a bond when it came to soulmates. Yoongi sees the world in full color, and he assumes that his soulmate has traveled all around the world. Thus, resulting in witnessing almost every color he could possibly see. His favorite color is purple for it flashed right before him in the form of a lavender flower. 

You and Hoseok also share a bond when it came to soulmates. He has never seen a color yet, and sometimes he envies the other members who have already discovered their first color. However, he could only feel sympathy for you the moment you told him that your love life is just as difficult as his. Thus, you both share a bond so special that you could consider him as an older brother.

You and Jimin grew closer through English. He’s the most dedicated and curious among them all whenever it came to learning the language. Through lessons, the two of you could finally have a conversation in English. 

Jungkook, however, grew closer to you through fashion. He’d even jokingly say that you’re his ideal type and wishes you were his soulmate. However, he had discovered his soulmate at a nearby internet cafe and hasn’t seen her since. He wishes that he’d gather up the courage to finally search for her, even if it’d take a billion walk-ins at an internet cafe in Seoul.

You and Seokjin share a love for food. You often go out together for lunch to munch on some new food discoveries. Whenever a new cafe or a new restaurant would open, the both of you immediately plan on going. When the plans follow through, the both of you can be found eating endlessly and commenting on how perfect the food is. You’re also the only staff member that gets scolded for making Jin eat a bit too much. However, Jin always reassures you that you are not the one to blame, in fact, he’s thankful that he can finally talk passionately about food to someone who wouldn’t think he was weird.

You and Taehyung, however, share a bond only through the color yellow. Funny as it seems, the both of you never really hung out or spoke to each other. The only exception was your one-on-one lessons with him. However, with his mysteriousness, you have made it a duty for you to break such tension or awkwardness that’s stopping the both of you from becoming friends.

And that seemed to have worked the moment your eyes laid upon a familiar red Gucci tie.

“That’s a nice tie,” you began and he looks at you through the mirror. “I remember seeing it for the first time at Gucci’s duty-free shop at the airport.”

“Did you buy it?” He asks and you shake your head in reply.

“I didn’t actually know what color it was,” you shrug your shoulders, “and I didn’t want to get my father a tie that’s worth my student debt.”

Taehyung chuckles. “I actually bought this because of my soulmate.”

“Oh?” You ask.

“Just letting you guys know that you have an interview in half an hour for Unicef, please prepare yourselves.”

The both of you glance at their manager then back at each other.

“I remember walking into Gucci and it was the first thing I saw, luckily enough, it was in color. I decided to purchase it.” He explains.

“It’s nice to know that it’s red,” you giggle.

Once he finishes tying it to his collar, he turns around and faces you. 

“How do I look?”

“You look great,” you reply, pouting, “now I wish I got it for my father, it looks like it’ll suit him.”

He frowns, and suddenly he turns back around to face the mirror. He’s slowly taking off the tie and you furrow your eyebrows in confusion. Once the tie is off his collar, he turns back around and hands you the tie.

“Take it. Give it to your father, he’ll love it.”

Your eyes widen. “T-Taehyung, this is yours. I can’t take it.”

“Why not?” He frowns.

“This is special to you. Your soulmate touched it. It’s your bond to your soulmate, I don’t want you to lose such connection.” You explain and he simply shrugs his shoulders.

“It doesn’t matter. I already have a connection with her.” He smiles reassuringly, “I’ve already found her.”

After their interview with Unicef, the boys decided to go back to the dorm to get some rest. However, Taehyung stays behind with you.

“Are you sure you don’t want to get some rest? It’s been a rough day.” You say with concern and Taehyung shakes his head.

“I want to show you something,” he insists.

And somehow the both of you are strolling around the streets of Seoul. With a face mask and a thick hoodie covering his identity, not a single fan seemed to have noticed him. You were quite thankful. It’s been a rough day and the last thing you want is the both of you getting mobbed.

He stops in front of a store that has a mascot dancing in front of the entrance doors. He pulls out his camera and takes a quick picture.

“Remember when I said my favorite color is yellow?” You nod your head. “It was the first color I saw, and it was on this mascot.”

You watch him stare at the mascot lovingly. Your heart was feeling some type of emotions that you couldn’t describe, and you couldn’t help but smile at Taehyung.

“Ever since then, I started to see more and more things in color.” He smiles.

“At least you found her,” you shrug your shoulders. “I haven’t found mine yet.”

His smile turns into a frown. “Why not?”

You sigh. “Let’s go to a cafe shop I love going to, and maybe we can talk there?”

The two of you walk to the cafe in silence. Every now and then he would look at you to make sure you were okay, but he couldn’t read your emotions. As you both arrive at the cafe and order your drinks, you both take a seat at a booth.

“This is my favorite cafe shop too!” He exclaims and you give him a timid smile.

After a couple more moments of silence, you clear your throat.

“The first color I saw was red,” you say with a small smile. “It was this mug, actually. Then slowly the whole cafe transformed into all its colors.”

You take a sip of your coffee. “I was just nineteen. I was excited, happy, but then somehow everything started to gain color. When I turned twenty, most of my vision was in color. The places I’d go to were places my soulmate already went to. The cities I’d travel to were cities my soulmate traveled to.”

“And you haven’t met them yet?” You shake your head.

“My friends did, and they found them when we were all still in university. By the time I turned twenty-one, not only was I the only one who was still single, but it seemed like my soulmate has been everywhere you could possibly be.”

“It must be hard for you.” He mumbles.

“It is hard. It hurts too. It’s hard when you can step out of the house and everything you see is in color. It hurts when you can’t identify who your soulmate is because at this point, it can be anyone.” 

He feels his heart shatter. The fact that he’s making you suffer hurts him. But he has his own reasons. He doesn’t want you to find out this way, he doesn’t want you to find out now for it is not the right time.

“I wish I could relate to you,” he frowns, “but I can’t.”

“You don’t need to,” you laugh, “you wouldn’t want to have a hard time finding your soulmate, it’s a pain in the ass.”

“But I feel bad,” he says.

“If it makes you feel better, I think my soulmate works at the company.” He raises an eyebrow. “On my first day, the building was already in color. I feel like I’m one step closer.”

“T-That sounds great,” he smiles. “I hope you find him soon.”

You nod your head. “Me too.”

When he takes a sip of his drink, you grin at him. “Tell me more about your soulmate.”

Taehyung almost chokes on his drink but he clears his throat. “She’s—She’s from one of the girl groups... Red Velvet.”

“Oh, really?” You gasp. “I hope it’s Joy, the both of you would look good together!”

Taehyung could only fake a smile, nodding his head gently. 

Not yet. Just not yet.

“The sky is so blue!” 

You and the boys have just landed in America for the American Music Awards. You have never seen a large number of fans gathered at the airport just to welcome them into the country. As for your mother, she’s still scolding you for not having Namjoon sign her album yet. 

“Your so lucky, you can even see the sky’s color.” Hoseok pouts until he bumps into one of the flight attendants. Suddenly, he grows pale. 

The boys glance at him with concern. Hoseok stares at the flight attendant, and the both of them are frozen. You look at Taehyung who flashes you a warm smile. 

“What the actual fuck,” Hoseok whispers and the flight attendant blushes. The flight attendant looks like she hasn’t been to America, for the uniform she wore was for an airline in Europe.

“I think you spoke a bit too soon, Hoseok-ah,” Namjoon laughs and the flight attendant scurries away to get to her terminal.

“I can’t believe he’d find her right away,” Jungkook chuckles.

“That was so magical,” Hoseok says while in a daze.

“Funny how she’s probably wondering why the whole airport was in color, only to bump into you and realize her scarf was turning into a color as well.”

“Her scarf is blue, just like the sky.” Hoseok smiles.

“Boys, we have to get the car right now.”

You and the boys rush over through the crowds of fans towards the van parked outside. As you all hop into the car, you all let out sighs of relief.

“I thought I was going to be left out,” you jokingly say. “You guys are so popular.”

“Are you guys ready? Nervous?”

The boys look at you and they nod their head nervously. You sigh, before giving them individual hugs. While some of them are practicing their vocals, Taehyung seems to be stuck in a daze.

“You okay?” He nods his head.

“I’m scared I’ll mess up.” He whispers.

“You won’t. You’ll do well. This is just the beginning.” 

Surprisingly, he courageously looks up at you and you’ve never had him look at you that way until now. His eyes were piercing right through yours, as if he was looking straight into your soul. His eyelashes batted once, twice, and soon enough, you were getting lost in his brown orbs. 

“(Y/N), I have to tell you something later—”

“Boys, we have to bring you up to the stage now.” One of the producers cuts him off and the boys start to gather around and start to head to the stage.

As you follow along with the rest of the staff to watch them from backstage, the boys finally reach the stairs towards the stage. Taehyung turns around to look at you and you give him two thumbs up. 

Suddenly, a producer is rushing past them with equipment and you see her bracelet accidentally fall off her wrist. Taehyung notices the bracelet falling off and he picks it up from the ground, handing it back to the producer.

“Excuse me, you dropped this,” Taehyung says in English but you’re too distracted by the bracelet to notice his improvement. 

“Oh, thank you so much!” The producer smiles and grabs her bracelet, placing it back on her wrist before scurrying away to finish her duties.

You feel your blood turn cold, but you immediately snap out of it when the boys start heading onto the stage.

When the song starts to play, you mutter, “excuse me.”

“Yah, (Y/N)-ah! Where are you going? Are you not going to watch their performance?”

You push past your co-workers and lock yourself up into the nearest washroom. Breaking down into tears, you can’t believe what had just encountered in front of your own eyes. 

The moment Taehyung made contact with the bracelet, it turned orange.

Staring at the red tie hanging on a rack in your hotel room with nothing but anger, you wipe your tears away from your cheeks. You have never felt betrayed, even by your own soulmate. It was all starting to make sense.

That day you were at the airport killing some time by shopping at Gucci’s duty-free shop, Taehyung so happened to be at the airport as well. Thus, the red tie he had purchased was the one you had touched, the one you had set your eyes on; the one that you were supposed to purchase for your father. You could only laugh bitterly, was that why he insisted on giving it to you?

Your gaze glances down at the bracelet Eunha had forcefully given to you because you’d seen it in color. It was almost as if the pink cherry blossoms were glaring at you. Taking it off, you toss it to the side out of frustration.

You remember the night where you and Taehyung walked through Seoul, bumping into the same yellow mascot you both share a connection with. You remember the local cafe you both go to on the daily. They were all in color, and yet, you felt nothing but stupid. He made you feel stupid.

“(Y/N), the boys and staff will be going out for a celebratory dinner. Are you coming?” 

You quickly wipe your tears away and look at your roommate, a makeup artist, who’s ruffling her damp hair with a cloth. You nod your head gently in reply.

“Great, because the boys will be here any second.” She smiles.

Indeed, they were here a second after by the sound of a knock on your door. You force yourself off of the bed and head towards the door, opening it to reveal Taehyung. He smiles at you as if he has no clue. Has he been acting all this time?

“We’re going out for dinner.” He says joyfully and you flash him a small smile. He notices how you’re quiet and he pouts. “Are you okay?”

“Peachy,” you reply. “Congrats, by the way.”

“Let’s go?” He insists and you nod your head.

The two of you meet the boys down at the lobby before departing in respective vans. Taehyung looks at you every now and then and all you could do is look anywhere but him. You couldn’t find the strength to look at him without snapping.

“(Y/N)! Where were you after the performance? You should’ve heard us, we were speaking so fluently. It’s all thanks to you.” Jin asks and you purse your lips into a line.

“I wasn’t feeling quite well,” you lie and Taehyung immediately places his hand on your forehead. You flinch, gently taking his hand off of your face. “I’m okay, there’s no need for a fever-check.”

“Are you sure you’re okay? You can pass for tonight,” he mumbles and you shake your head.

“If I pass, you won’t be able to tell me what you were planning on telling me, right?” You say with a blank expression.

“About that, (Y/N), I—”

“Tell me later, okay?” 

He clamps his mouth shut and the two of you are pulled apart by staff members. As you all arrive at the private venue to have dinner together, you all gather around a table. Taehyung sits right across from you and serves you some food because you need to eat a lot to gain strength and all you can do is tell him to stop worrying.

“You look a bit sad, (Y/N).” Namjoon says. “Are you sure you’re okay? Did something happen back home?”

You shake your head. Instead, you mumble, “it’s nothing to worry about. In fact, it’s my soulmate. I have a feeling he works for BigHit, I have yet to figure out who he is.”

“Did you see how Taehyung sang? All the girls were swooning.” Jimin clutches his heart and Taehyung blushes.

“T-That’s so unnecessary, Jimin-ah.” Taehyung whines.

“Wait, so you’re telling us that you’re getting closer to figuring out who he is?” 

You nod your head at Hoseok before glancing at Taehyung. “I think a few more hints will help, don’t you think so, Taehyung-ah?”

Taehyung looks up at you from his plate and nods his head. And just like that, he finally gets what you mean, and all he could do is shamefully look down at his food.

“Sorry, but if you’ll excuse me for a second, I’ll be using the washroom.” 

The moment you stand up, you head towards the nearest exit to get some fresh air. Taehyung watches you walk away from the table and looks at his members.

“Excuse me,” he says respectfully before following you.

He finds you standing outside, hugging your cold body with your arms. He’s too scared to approach you, but you could already feel his presence. You chuckle bitterly, and he gulps nervously.

“So, when were you planning on telling me?” 

He cautiously chooses his words but they all seem to disappear when you turn around to face him. “I—”

“The tie,” you cut him off, “you saw me at the airport, why didn’t you approach me?”

“Because I was afraid—”

“Afraid?” You scoff. “And on my first day at the company, why didn’t you tell me then? Of course, it was because you were afraid. Instead, you made me look stupid!”

“I have my reasons—”

“And your reasons are bullshit,” you mutter. “You made me look stupid for months, Taehyung, months. When were you planning on telling me? Did you think I wasn’t going to find out?”

“Can you just hear me out?” He says desperately. 

“No,” you shake your head. “You just don’t understand how much hell you’ve put me through. I’ve been waiting for you, I’ve been looking all over for you, and all you did was just stand there and watch me suffer. What makes it even funnier is that you knew, you knew that I’m your soulmate, you even listened to me talk about you—”

“I was afraid that you’d find out just because I was V, not Kim Taehyung. I wanted you to find out when I was Kim Taehyung, and not V, the V who’s out on tour, the one who sings, the one who’s famous. I wanted you to find out that your soulmate is Kim Taehyung.”

“Funny,” you chuckle. “And all this time you pretended like your soulmate was someone else, huh? Because that makes so much sense, Taehyung.”

“I’m sorry, (Y/N).” He whispers and you smile bitterly.

“Me too,” you nod your head. “I’m sorry.”

He glances up at you as a tear slips out of your eye. The moment your tears started to flow down your cheeks, the colors of your face, your clothes, the private venue that you were both at, were all starting to fade away. 

His eyes widen, but it seems as if though you weren’t seeing exactly what he was witnessing right before him. You’re falling out of love because he broke your heart. And you’re completely oblivious to it.

“Congratulations, V.” You smile sadly. “Must be fun being a global superstar because small things like finding your soulmate just come so easily to you. Oh right, I wouldn’t know. Are you sure your favorite color is yellow? Or is that a lie too?”

And just like that, you leave him out in the cold. As you turn around and start walking back to the hotel, he can’t find the courage and strength to run after you. Instead, he just watches your figure grow smaller and smaller.

Year: December 2017

“I’m very much sad to tell you guys that (Y/N) has resigned.”

“What?!” Hoseok jumps out of his seat. While glancing at the boys in shock, they can’t help but be in shock as well. “But—”

“She was offered a higher position at another company,” PD-nim explains, “and her position there is much more suited to her field.”

Taehyung can’t feel anything but anger. He’s angry at himself. He should’ve chased you and spoke to you. He should’ve explained himself further. He should’ve done something. But no, instead, he just stood there and watched you walk out of his life right when you entered. Right when he thought that he was so close to having you, he loses you and watches you slip out of his hands.

“Do you think it’s because of her soulmate?” Jin asks and the boys suddenly erupt into whispers, PD-nim furrows his eyebrows in confusion and Taehyung sighs angrily.

“It has nothing to do with her soulmate,” he mutters. “She was just offered a higher position suited to her field. Of course, she would not turn down such an opportunity.”

“Taehyung-ah, are you sure you don’t know who her soulmate is?” Namjoon says and Jimin clears his throat.

“I think we should just focus on giving (Y/N) support, this is her future.” Jimin intervenes while glancing at Taehyung with a knowing look.

“I don’t know what you guys are talking about with this whole ‘soulmate’ situation going on with (Y/N), but, please send her off with good intentions and heartfelt messages. She has done nothing but good things for you boys and the company.”

“I’ll go get her some roses—”

Jungkook’s cut off when the boys see Taehyung stand up and storm out of the room. As Taehyung storms through the hallways and into the offices, he spots you at your cubicle, storing some of your things into a box. He finally approaches you and you glance up with a smile that soon fades away.

“You’re leaving?”

“Does it look like it?” You ask.

He watches you place things into the box and notices how your things are of faded colors. “Why?”

“Why not? Is it bad that I want to work a higher position?” You scoff. “Let me remind you, V, I’m a person who needs to work and if being offered a better position will give me a brighter future, I’ll take it.”

“Or are you just leaving because of me?” He says. “Is it because of me?”

“No.” You shake your head. “It’ll never be because of you—”

“Then why? Why can’t you just stay? The boys and I need you.” He begs.

“I can’t stay.” You sigh. “I have to do this for myself, for my parents.”

“Stay,” he pleads, desperate for you to change your mind. “Don’t leave us, don’t leave me—”

“Stop. Just stop.” You cut him off mid-sentence. “This isn’t the first time you’ve let me go, Taehyung. You’ve had all your chances. You had the airport, my first day, the days after that, just to tell me; to tell me to stay. But what did you do?”

“Then let me make it up to you.” He grabs your hands and you look at him bewilderedly. “Please.”

He winces when you retreat your hands from him. You sigh to yourself.

“Make it up to me when you’re Kim Taehyung, when you’re my soulmate. Not when you’re V, not when you’re the man telling lies and making up stories.”

hit up that askbox to give me feedback! it is very much appreciated~

[thoughtfulmindings]

Highschool Retrospective

August 2021 

Ten years ago, I chronicled my feelings about my last year of high school and my experiences. Every month, starting from August, I wrote a paragraph about how I felt and what I was doing. Like most things in my life, I did not complete this retrospective. I stopped chronicling in February, around 4 months before graduation. However, I kept my draft saved. Now that my education has stopped in its entirety, and 10 years have passed since I first started the retrospective, I figured now was as good of a time as any to post it in all of its (mostly) unedited glory. 

August 2011

So in a couple of days, I am about to start my last year of highschool. It’s looking like a bittersweet moment. Part of me is super excited because well its my last year! I've been wanting to experience grade 12 for a long time and now I'm so close! Also, I'm so ready to stop going to my high school and facing the same drama over and over again. I'm ready to embrace the world and start working toward my dreams. But then a part of me recoils at the thought of being out there, in the "real world" as youngster's so eloquently put it. I don't want to leave my friends. I want to continue spending time with them just laughing and growing, not worrying about the future. I don't want to leave them and lose our closeness. I don't want to leave the safe place I've created with my school and all of them.

September 2011

So a month has gone by since school started. We got some new students, but on the whole, it seems like nothing else has changed. Everyone is still the same person with the same quirks and habits. First month has been a little challenging as there is a lot more homework this year and it’s ridiculous how I find myself with so little time. I'm also class president which means that I'm constantly thinking of ways to improve our grad class legacy and make everyone bond closer. As well as thinking for long periods of times, I'm also devoting myself to my studies as I'm aiming for class valedictorian. Life is definitely a tad bit more stressful than I'm used to but its not a panicky stress, its more of a motivated stress. As its very early into the year, I'm saved from the panic of applying to universities and working on my grad portfolio like crazy. As things go, its been a good first month, let's wait and see what the other months bring.

October 2011

So this month has definitely been a mixed bag of emotions. I feel like I've been really moody these past few weeks. Also, weirdly enough, it feels like this month went by so fast but dragged on at the same time. Lol I can't even explain it. Anyways, the homework load has remained the same, but the responsibility load has gone up in more ways than one. As president I find myself so ridiculously busy with bookings for events, making plans, making decisions, its crazy. And as a graduating student I find myself stressing over ways of improving my chances of getting into university and looking for volunteer opportunities. And as the potential valedictorian I find myself working furiously to maintain my average and keep it high. I definitely feel like I've been working overtime. Just hope I can continue working like this without breaking down/ overworking myself. I'm sorta glad that this month has gone by but apprehensive because with every passing month, I'm getting closer to applying for universities and graduating, which brings up its own personal stress issues.  

November 2011

This month has been really tiring, simply put. Mentally, it feels like this month has gone by fast and it was hardly even here, but my aching body agrees to differ. I've been so tired this entire month, its crazy. November was enveloped by the annual class trip that happened. In fact, the first week of November was spent furiously working hard to plan the trip and make sure it went without a hitch. The second week was the actual trip and that too was quite exhausting as it messed with our normal body clock and was quite hassling when it came to all the events attended. The third week was filled up by hastily perfecting and finishing assignments and all missed homework as report cards were due. The fourth week was marred by all the arguing going on in class. Seriously, this month has definitely been challenging; it really pushed me to the limit when it came for my duties as class president. I've been so tired keeping my grades up because my system is still messed up from the class trip. Soon enough I have to focus my energies on keeping fit, staying healthy, finding volunteer opportunities, working on university applications, among other things. I'm really hoping the next month will be better, mentally and physically.

December 2011

Honestly, it’s sorta hard to remember this month; it’s gone by so fast. When I think of December, the only thing that comes to mind is the Christmas concert. My school hosts a christmas performance every year, and this year, as a part of the drama class, I was in it. My drama teacher was crazy during this time. Honestly, everything was put on hold except for the performance. During other classes, my fellow students and I would be practising our lines for the performance or getting the props ready. It wasn't really that stressful, well not for me anyways, but it was definitely a busy time. Anyways, school ended pretty quietly and winter vacation started. Vacation is always a great thing, but this time, it felt God-sent. Everyone had been in need of time away from the school and each other. Personally, my vacation has been pretty relaxed and fun. However, I have been working on graduating and applying for universities too. Everything has honestly been wonderful. The only thing that sucks is that this vacation is ending soon, and that means its time to go back to the vortex that's called school.

January 2012

The beginning of this year kicked off with a somber start. The death of a family member really put a damper on things and subsequently, our new year was not welcomed with pomp and circumstance. That said, January wasn't bad the entire time. It had its good times like the class party, winter carnival, and school lockdown lol, which unfortunately also happened to be the day one of our fellow classmates moved towns. Reflecting back, January was a pretty busy month. University applications were completed, new projects were conceived, and the school term finally ended. Honestly, January entered and passed quietly. Although it was a little odd to start off the new year and month so quietly, it was also sort of nice to have a quiet month. It was definitely stressful, but it was still quite quiet. A nice quaint little month surprisingly. Alas, with the ending of every month, I'm coming closer to graduating, waiting for university acceptances, and working on my graduation transitions.

February 2012

I feel like February went by very fast. I'm mean, sure I was stressed about a lot of things, especially yearbook and film-making, but at the same time, it feels like it was a chilled out month. Everything was the same as usual. I guess I slacked off a little bit during this month. I don't know, its probably because of all the interesting events too. This month, I went skiing, had a couple days off from school, volunteered at places, and went to parties. I'm assuming that these events gave everyone breaks to recuperate from school, despite not being super long. I don't know, I'm rambling. This month has been a pleasant surprise, which is odd because I don't remember February every being nice lol. Anyways, too bad the next month is stressful. I just hope I don't lose all motivation by the end of the year.

[your-dietician]

How do college football players feel about Playoff expansion? Past, present voices on more games, the same grind – The Athletic

New Post has been published on https://tattlepress.com/ncaa-football/how-do-college-football-players-feel-about-playoff-expansion-past-present-voices-on-more-games-the-same-grind-the-athletic/

How do college football players feel about Playoff expansion? Past, present voices on more games, the same grind – The Athletic

— This story was written by Nicole Auerbach, Tyson Alger, Scott Dochterman, Jason Kersey and Chris Vannini.

Raekwon McMillan knows what it’s like to play more games than ever before. As a freshman linebacker at Ohio State in 2014, he played in the Buckeyes’ first-ever 15-game season, ending in the inaugural College Football Playoff with a national championship. The victory was sweet, but the adjustments the Buckeyes had to make for an additional game were very real. From shifting strength and conditioning strategies to adding rest and recovery time, it was a new experience.

Now, as college football heads toward a 12-team Playoff model that opens up the possibility of a 17-game season for those who take a certain path through the postseason, McMillan thinks back to the additional grind he had to go through. His Buckeyes played in 14 games when they reached the CFP semis in 2016, too.

“Ohio State did a great job of taking care of players … but during the second run, I felt like my body was breaking down toward the end, kind of like at the end of an NFL season,” McMillan said. “And that was with a month break between our last game and when the Playoff started (in 2016). That window (between games) will have to go down. I don’t really understand how it will work with the new structure of the Playoff.”

McMillan, who was drafted in the second round in 2017 and now plays for the New England Patriots, said the later the season went, the longer his recovery time after games would be. He wasn’t ever injured, but “it was little things here and there — ankle started feeling tight, knees, shoulders, head, neck.”

Last week in Dallas the CFP’s Board of Managers, a group of 11 university presidents representing all 10 Football Bowl Subdivision leagues and Notre Dame, discussed the new 12-team proposal and greenlit it for further discussion. CFP leadership will spend the summer meeting with bowl and television partners to determine the feasibility of the new model and how soon it can take effect.

Commissioners and presidents have said they want to get feedback from current and former players about the additional wear and tear that would come with extending their season — a listening process that’s only happening after the favored Playoff model has been selected. College athletes often have little to no say in what happens in their sport, and they have so far been absent in the expansion conversation. What will they have to say about this in the coming months? Don’t expect a consensus. The Athletic spoke with several current and former players to see what they think right now. Some aren’t concerned about playing more games, while others seriously question if it’s too much.

Oklahoma redshirt senior H-back Jeremiah Hall said he’s “not really” worried about potentially playing more games in an expanded Playoff because every other level of football requires multiple rounds of games in its postseason format.

“In high school, you have a series of four to six rounds, depending on your state,” Hall said. “If you think about it, after the Big 12 championship, we’re really waiting and sitting around Norman for two or three weeks, especially when we’ve made it to the Playoff. We’re not really doing too much. A week off between whatever championship game you may have in your conference, and then maybe go two weeks on for the playoff games and then a week off, then your national championship — I think that’d be fair. We’ve been doing the same thing since high school. I don’t think it would be any worse.”

“I can wrap my head around adding games,” former Ohio State linebacker Joshua Perry said. “But where the issue comes for me is when we talk about ‘student-athletes.’ … As long as we keep using the terminology of ‘student-athlete,’ we have to think about how that actually impacts the student side.”

Conference championship games already often fall during finals week in early December. If the College Football Playoff pushes the postseason’s end point further into January, players could also be juggling the start of a new semester with the preparation for the biggest games of their season. “How can you manage a course load and be the type of student that a program would expect you to be when now the whole year, basically, you’re spending preparing for games?” Perry said. “We have to stop with this idea of student-athlete.

“But in terms of body management, they’ll figure that out. Sports science is evolving rapidly.”

A longer college football season would prepare future pros for the grind of a long NFL season, Hall said. (McMillan pointed out that it will also shorten the time some potential pros have to decide whether or not they want to declare for the NFL Draft, if the customary mid-January decision deadline does not change.) For those who aren’t headed to the NFL, it still creates more excitement. “The more football, the better,” Hall said. But Perry speculates that load management could come to college football, with star players opting not to play certain games in November if their team has already all but locked up a Playoff spot.

“Or if you’re one of the last teams to get in, does somebody make a decision like, ‘Hey, I don’t know what our chances are in this game, but I don’t necessarily want to risk this when I know I’m staring at a $30 million contract in just a matter of months.’” Perry said.

McMillan believes his CFP experience was well worth it because of the magnitude of the games and the opportunity to compete for a national championship. It certainly helped, too, “how many coaches at the next level were able to see those games,” he said. “It was beneficial in many ways, but you will have to watch and see how it affects the players. What is the benefit for players who are not going to the NFL? What extra benefit do they get?”

It’s clear that the programs that can better weather the extra practices and games — and keep players engaged — will be best positioned for success late in the long season. “That’s the game, staying healthy and being the strongest, most physical team,” Iowa junior wide receiver Nico Ragaini said. To him, this is just a natural extension of what already happens in the regular season.

The path to 17 games in a 12-team Playoff world is not necessarily likely to happen on an annual basis: A team would need to play a standard 12-game regular season, reachits conference championship game, make the Playoff as a No. 5-12 seed and then advance through all three rounds to the national title game. The CFP’s Management Committee has stressed that in most years the title game’s most likely participants will come from the top four Power 5 conference champions who earned a first-round bye and would play a total of 16 games, including the national championship game. The losing teams in the new first round of the Playoff will not play in bowl games later in December, either. According to Notre Dame athletic director Jack Swarbrick, because of those parameters, a third of the teams involved in the CFP would play the same number of games they would in a normal year with a bowl trip.

“The route to get to 17 in this model isn’t impossible, but there have been a lot of things built in to make that highly unlikely,” said Swarbrick, who was part of the CFP’s four-member working group that proposed the 12-team model.

“For the vast majority of the field, at best there would be a one-game expansion,” said MAC commissioner Jon Steinbrecher, a member of the CFP Management Committee. “For many, it would be the same or less, depending on if you’re in a conference championship game or not. We have to take a look at all of that. We need to look at the construct of college football from a total-year process.

“It’s the one sport in the NCAA where we literally have a calendar that accounts for every day, whether it’s recruiting, in-season, out-of-season workouts, access to things. We need to go back and look at that. Is how we’re laying this out the appropriate way to do so, or is there another way?”

Commissioners and presidents will spend the next few weeks and months talking to athletes with a range of experiences, and it’ll be important for them to talk to those who still feel the long-term effects of pushing through a season. Take former Oregon linebacker Tyson Coleman, for example. He started 15 games in 2014, when the Ducks made the Playoff, beat Florida State in the Rose Bowl to reach the national title game and then lost to McMillan and Ohio State. Coleman started 13 games the following season, too. He said it’s important to understand both the physical and mental toll that an extended season will have on 18- to 22-year-olds.

“My last two years at Oregon I had bulging discs in my back and neck that were kind of undiagnosed, so those seasons were miserable for me,” Coleman said. “Those added extra weeks, I know for guys in my similar position, it wasn’t ideal. It was really cool to play in the Rose Bowl and the first College Football Playoff ever, but it wasn’t great on our bodies.”

Coleman said he didn’t practice much during the second half of either season; he’d do walkthroughs and jog around.

“Before games I would take Toradol,” he said. “I’d take it 30 minutes before the game, my muscles would loosen up and then I would go run into people. A lot of guys will do that, you know, being held out of practice all week just so they can get through four quarters of a game, and that’s in a normal season.”

Coleman had to have a disc replaced in his neck eight months ago, after being in so much pain one night that his mother and father had to help carry him to the emergency room because he couldn’t walk. He underwent surgery a week later and came away with a $10,000 hospital bill that his insurance didn’t cover. Coleman’s experience has impacted how he views college football and the way it’s run.

“This is nothing specific to Oregon. It’s part of the business and the issue with the NCAA,” Coleman said. “I played in four or five of the most-watched games in history, contributed to billions of dollars coming into our school and the NCAA, but I can’t get $10,000 to get my neck back in the position it was before I started playing.”

Coleman believes the athletes who play in the games deserve compensation. Like all players, he understands that an expanded CFP will mean even more money. The initial four-team field was worth about $470 million annually from ESPN, and that was for only four teams and three games. The 12-team proposal triples the amount of teams and adds eight more postseason games.

“From a player’s perspective, I think the Playoff is cool. I think the system is awesome. But the toll on the body? I don’t know if it’s worth your scholarship.”

(Photo: Jamie Schwaberow / NCAA Photos via Getty Images)

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[gontagokuhara]

“hey connor, what the hell is happening with jump?

+aka, for those of you looking for answers.

fair warning this is a very long story, and it isn't a very nice one. for the sake of not being a huge asshole, i'll refrain from mentioning the other party by name/url/ao3 handle/whatever, because i'd rather not send the dogs after this person like they were for me.

and to those of you who have been following me since mid-to-late august (around when this whole thing started) (and, coincidentally, when jump became the most popular fic in the dear evan hansen tag on ao3, but we'll ignore that little detail), you might know who the other person is in this whole situation. i know most of my friends do, and for my friends and otherwise please don't go after this person. don't reblog with their name or fic title or whatever, because the point of this post is to serve as an explanation for why jump is going down, not start a manhunt for this other person.

i digress.

around mid-august, i began receiving comments and a few asks regarding a chapter of jump (28, to be specific). in essence, they were saying that i had "ripped off" a certain plot point of a certain fic, which. to be honest i didn't think a whole lot of? because the messages i received didn't say anything about what i had ripped off, just that i had done it.

it came to a point where i messaged the author of this other fic and briefly explained the situation, and made my case. i got a response sometime the next day and it wasn't one i was hoping for.

which, of course, i've accepted that at this point - people think i did plagiarize. the author of the other work thinks that i did. i know that i didn't, but i need to acknowledge and accept that a lot of people think i did.

what i didn't accept was the "term" i was given - to put a note on the chapter in question crediting this author for the "original idea."

which, you know, was offensive to me - because jump had always been my idea. despite what was being said, i knew that i hadn't read the sections of the other fic that i was accused of stealing, before i had published my own chapter. so i couldn't have taken the idea, if that makes sense?

i didn't respond to the other author's message, and that was wrong of me. i know that that was shitty of me to not offer a response, and there isn't really an excuse for that? but it happened, and it was shitty, but.

for the most part, things quieted down for a bit when i posted chapter 29, and i rather naively assumed that things had permanently gone quiet. i'd made an incredibly long statement in the end notes of the chapter, and i said that if anyone wanted to say anything further they could feel free to pm me, because it was counterproductive to yell arguments at each other through my inbox. funnily enough, no one took that offer and messaged me, but i can't say i'm surprised. without the shield of anon, people tend to not disagree so violently.

after 30 got posted, however, things sort of exploded.

immediately people took it upon themselves to leave nasty comments and asks in my inbox, which hurt but at this point i had come to expect it from the whole situation.

sometime after that, the callout was posted.

which, of course, made me freak the fuck out.

what was worse was that i found it on accident; someone reblogged a post of mine with something nasty and i was confused so i checked their blog, and. well.

it had the title of my fic all over it, it was in the main tags, and i knew immediately when asks started piling up that none of them were going to be good. and they weren't. i haven't gotten death threats a whole lot, but that day was definitely a peak in me receiving them.

there was.....a lot in the callout, and it took me a good few hours to get myself to a state where i could read it without freaking out again.

this was early on in the post, where i was accused of shot for shot rewriting sections of a certain chapter of this other fic, when, again, i hadn't read it until chapter 28 was posted and chapter 30 was long since drafted and in the process of being written, but. (the bit of the sentence that is cut off reads "however, as the author of [fic], chapters 28 and 30 read like-")

note how no proof of this is provided, or anything beyond the chapter numbers.

this next bit is from the pm i received from them, and it's interesting in how it reflects the author's...i dont know how to describe it. i suppose arrogance is the best word i can find? for them to insinuate that their work is so well known enough that even if people haven't read it, they'd know about it.

(cut off sentence: “at the very least, the final chapters of [fic] are pretty-”)

the same sentiment is reflected here, in the callout.

the callout also points out that there's no indication of where i got the plot for jump, and that's because i made up the plot. the idea to kickstart the story i got from a prompt blog (here, if you're interested) and it states very explicitly in its terms of submission (here) that anyone submitting an idea for a prompt gives full permission to anyone to use it, credit unnecessary.

so that isn't exactly a 'gotcha!' point.

the last bits of the callout talk about me being rude to fans and making vague posts on tumblr, which. no proof provided so i, again, have no idea what they constitute as rude or vague.

it was.....a lot. and i had no idea what to do. i was scared, and i didn't know how to deal with having the fans of some 26 year old coming after me like that. i shut off anon, and i took a break of a day or so from tumblr, and that was pretty much that?

until two weeks ago, when i received this email from archive of our own:

so, things had obviously escalated. things had moved from calling me out publicly, to moving to get my work deleted. it messed me up pretty bad, and for a while i was freaking out.

after a day or so, a few of my close friends (one of which who has had prolonged access to both the jump writing document and the planning document) and i emailed ao3 with our appeals. i don't currently have copies of my friends' appeals, and all that is in mine was essentially what i've said publicly, with a few mentions of previous incidents. after a two week wait period as they reviewed my appeal, i received this email last night:

it strikes me how again, it's said that i shot for shot (or rather, replaced synonyms and the like) took this fic, but then again i'm not given specific instances, and then in the same paragraph it mentions that "whether you intentionally plagiarized or did it subconsciously after reading their fic, you are still responsible for the content." i don't understand how i could have taken scenes one by one and replaced synonyms, but also "subconsciously" plagiarize?

and, better yet, how can i plagiarize something i hadn't read until after the accused chapter was posted?

let me just say that i don't know for certain it was the author that made the complaint, but i would bet a whole lot on that possibility. even if it wasn't them who made the claim, they have to be notified because it involves their work. so.

and that's essentially where we're at now. jump is being deleted on november 10th, one way or another. and i am so, so angry.

i understand wanting to protect one's work. it's the reason i've maintained my innocence, and appealed to ao3. i want to protect my work from accusations i know aren't true.

but to have something i've worked so hard on for nearly seven months ripped from my hands? it's not fair. it's quite honestly bullshit.

this isn't meant to convince any of you one way or another of what happened, because you can all think for yourselves. whether you believe me or not, at this point it doesn't matter, because jump has already been sentenced to its fate.

but i know what i did and didn't do. i wouldn't still be fighting this if i wasn't sure of my innocence.

i'm angry. i'm going to be angry for a long time. this whole situation has made me fucking hate even looking at my writing anymore. what would possess someone to go so far as to get my work deleted, i don't really know.

as the author has stated, no one really "owns" fanfiction. so what gives them the right to take my work away from me? my accomplishments?

i hold no ill will towards the other author, but i hate this situation and i hate what they've done. i hate that there is someone in their mid twenties out there who has taken it upon themselves to take away a 17 year old's passion project.

am i bitter? yes. and i'm not apologetic for it. i didn't plagiarize anyone in regards to jump, plain and simple. no matter what anyone else says, i know the truth, and the people i care about know the truth, and i can't do a thing about anyone else, so it doesn't really matter.

a few friends have asked for me to make jump available by other means, and i'm considering it. because even though the hits and comments will be deleted, as its always been, jump has been for my own enjoyment. for me to tell a story i think needed to be told. and just because it's being cut short doesn't mean it still isn't worth telling.

if i do make it available elsewhere, i'll let people know. but this is where i leave you for now.

like i said in the beginning of this stupidly long post, please don't go off and attack this author. i'm angry, but taking it out on them will do nothing. it will only make things worse. jump is being deleted, and no amount of nastiness will change that. so we may as all just be nice.

if any of you have anymore questions, feel free to message me or send me an ask. anything general or non-specific i'll answer in asks, but if you have anything you'd like clarification on in regards to specifics, please message me privately.

and. um. i guess that's it?

thanks for reading. i’m sorry. i wish they hadn’t taken it this far.